In last week’s post, I ended talking about the beginning of what I felt was the hardest part of my life up to now. I had held on to fear and insecurity from before my relationship with Michael, and these fears came to life when they were validated by the people around us.
I want to make a disclaimer right now that no one in this story is completely evil, bad or wrong. They simply saw life from their own perspective, their own past and honestly, I believe they felt they were doing the right thing by telling me what they thought about my relationship with Michael.
At first, I was scared. I was scared that I had messed everything up with my temper and my inability to behave in what seemed the acceptable manner in a relationship. I was scared that I was keeping Michael in this unhealthy relationship, and that I was just this all around unhealthy person that didn’t deserve happiness.
The people who would make these comments directly to me about my relationship being doomed seemed to have everything in their life kind of put together. Their relationships seemed to be following a perfect order and never seemed to have any problems from the outside. My own insecurities just exaggerated this perfection, and I didn’t know how to handle all of it. That’s when I started making some bad choices.
I engaged in gossip and speculation with my friends about the people who had been critical of my own relationship, trying to break down that view I had held onto that these people were perfect. These friends would confirm their imperfections with observations of their own. Even though this is the wrong way to deal with things, I know that they were simply trying to help me process and feel better about my own insecurities.
It made me feel good to be legitimized in this way, but it wasn’t as healing and helpful as I thought it was. Let me just say that whether you are speaking negatively to a person’s face or coming to friends for advice about a situation, if it is not done with grace and humility, it is hurtful and wrong to talk about or to anyone in this manner. But I justified it at the time by saying that they had hurt me with the things they said to me (and were still saying) about my own relationship. Eye for an eye, right?
When you remove all the outside relationship stuff, the bare truth was I was afraid I would lose Michael because of who I was before we started dating. Satan repeatedly whispered that in my ear. I wasn’t good enough and I never would be.
Funny, I seemed yet again to forget that God was the one that brought me here, and it never occurred that He was still working in our lives.
Something I wouldn’t realize until after I walked down the aisle.