I was still angry that people thought I wasn’t good enough, whether that was true or in my imagination. I was still bitter that I never felt justified for all the pain that my naysayers had caused. I was still insecure because I silently wondered if they were all right.
I started working from home (that’s part of another story) so I used this opportunity to try to become the perfect homemaker. I obsessed over Martha Stewart’s website, cooking her recipes, hosting her holidays, and keeping her cleaning schedule. When I wasn’t trying to organize and clean everything in sight, then I was critiquing my own abilities as a wife. Were we communicating right? Was I making Michael happy? I would pour over websites that gave me so many tips and tricks that at the end of the day my head was spinning but I still felt empty.
But I wasn’t about to let other people know how empty I was. I would regularly update posts and pictures with a smiling couple going to events and leading an active lifestyle to prove how great we were. We were going to be a power couple if that was the last thing I did. I watched every word I wrote, making sure that I didn’t show any dents in our armor.
This whole time, Michael was making the transition from college to real world. We moved to this town as the recession was really getting going. We were hearing about people losing their jobs, and Michael was so afraid he was going to lose his job. He really wasn’t in any danger, but just as my insecurities had blinded me to think crazy things, Satan was doing the same to Michael.
He would come home tired and stressed, and nothing I did seemed to make him feel better! I was failing as a wife!
As I looked to those people who seemed to have it all together, nothing had changed! They were still as shiny as before, whether that was really true or not. I was gripped in a web of anger, insecurity and comparison.
Now, there were days that we would feel good about everything. We even smiled every once in a while and meant it. But the roller coaster would come crashing down and we would sink into depressions. Luckily, we were never in a depression pit at the same time, but something had to give.