Read part four before this. 🙂
It had been four years since we walked down the aisle. Michael and I had learned to lean on each other and communicate our needs much better. But we were still dealing with this empty insecurity that we weren’t enough in our lives.
During these years, we bought a house, got a second dog, volunteered both at church and in our community and gained sincere, uplifting relationships. But I was still consumed with how other people thought about me, and if they didn’t like me or weren’t impressed, it made me even more consumed. Michael was convinced that the bottom was going to fall out on our lives, our house would fall down, a car would break or he would lose his job.
During this time I was learning that God had sent us here for a reason. I know that one of those reasons was the church family we joined. I remember the first time we went there. In Bible class that morning, the teacher was talking about this idea of Kingdom Living. Briefly, it’s the story that God created man to have a relationship with God and worship Him. He gave man the authority over everything on this earth. However, now, we live in the Fallen world and instead of man having authority over the things of this earth, we instead give authority to these things.
For instance, if someone allows their job to rule over them, they put their worth and security in that job. So, if they lose that job or it even threatens to go away, the person gets fraught with worry (like world coming to an end worry). Instead, if God is head of the person’s life, then he knows that God will take care of him with or without the job. We tend to find the things we have given authority to when they get removed and our world comes crashing down.
Anyway, this got me thinking right away about the relationships in my life that I had allowed to rule over me. Let me reiterate it got me thinking about them. I realized that it was wrong to be completely obsessed with trying to get people to like me, but I justified it by just obsessing over one relationship at a time. It was just one little relationship…how bad could that be?
Then Michael taught me again, and here is where the story comes to the present. We jokingly blame it on the nitrous oxide when he got his wisdom tooth removed, but over that weekend, something clicked for Michael. He realized that his worry had taken over his life. He started to pray like he had never prayed before. I mean, we had always prayed together as a couple, but the prayers now were so reaching and desperate and honest.
I realized the bitterness in my life had taken over. I talked about it with friends, but moreso just to ask for prayers. I started working with Michael to hold each other accountable for the struggles we had.
And everything became perfect. 🙂
No, not really. I still struggle with bitterness and comparing. Michael still deals with worry. We still have our bad days. We still fight about menial things and important things. It’s not all sunshine and saccharine. But we know that we have the support of each other, and more importantly we are learning every day to put God first no matter what.
What is the strongest struggle in yourself that you have seen affect your marriage? What has God done with that struggle in your life?