A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom. I was telling her about my blog and the story I was sharing on Sundays with my readers. She asked me why. Why was sharing the personal stuff so important?
A few days later, I was listening to Pandora, working from the home office, and Matthew West came on with his song, “My Own Little World”. The bridge seemed to be the answer to that question asked a few days prior.
“Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours, Give me open hands and open doors,
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see, That my own little world is not about me.”
So often in my life, I fall into this comfortable existence. I don’t see a whole lot of people on a day to day basis because I work from home. Being extroverted makes this hard at times, but it also tempts me to become really private and live in my own bubble.
Sometimes it’s just safer to stay quiet about my past. Somehow, I’m convinced that I will miss opportunities or friendships because of who I was or who I am behind the mask. And I know that sounds cliche. All my life, I’ve heard the “Get out of the Boat”, “Step out of the Comfort Zone”, “Be Yourself.” But when the insecurity voice gets really loud and people seem to judge you from all sides, that’s when you need to stand up and speak the truth.
I will never be perfect because I am an inherently selfish creature. I have justified sins like gossip and lying in order to protect myself and my interests. I have judged others based on their appearances placing them both above me and under me. I have used the world’s measuring stick to mark where I am and where I’m suppose to be and continue to make decisions based on that measurement, even though I know better. Especially when I know better.
But that’s not who I want to be. I want to be a radically changed individual who is in love with her God, her husband and her life. I want to have a closer and more intimate relationship with my Creator and fulfill His purpose in my life. I want that purpose to bring a joy that shines through me not so that others can say “oh she is joyful” but so they can yearn for that relationship with the One who brings me joy.
I would love a beautiful home with organized closets. I would love to no longer worry about the way I look or dread clothes shopping. I would love to create intricate meal plans that were impressive to the eye and the tastebud. I would love to write amazing prose in my blog that would move more readers to read it. But if it meant not having an intimate relationship with God, it would all be worthless.
It’s a constant struggle between my temporal self and my eternal spirit. Each day has it’s own battle, and each side has its wins and losses. But “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:14)
A little different from last week, has there been a time where you were reluctant to share your struggles or mistakes? How did God use that in your life or the lives of others?