I have hesitated about making a formal announcement regarding this for a while, going back and forth several times. But I feel like it would be best to come clean so that I’m not misleading anyone in future posts. The announcement is I am pregnant, and I’m due in early Spring.
The day I got the positive test, I had three distinct emotions. The first was, of course, elation – mixed with gratitude and excitement. I remember being so happy that I started crying in convulsions. My poor sweet puppy had no idea why I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the window in my office with tears flowing down my face. She probably thought I was going crazy.
The next emotion was fear, but more like fear with hope and peace still attached to it. I was afraid I would miscarry again, but it wasn’t for a lack in faith of what God could do. It was quite the opposite. I knew that God was with me in my last miscarriage. The things he has done for me in the last year, the purpose he renewed in me, gave me unimaginable joy and a peace that passed all understanding. It allowed me to speak to those who were silently grieving. It opened my eyes to the injustices of life and who we can be to each other, both good and bad. The biggest realization was that we are not guaranteed a certain outcome to our life, just that God will be there every step of the way. If I had another miscarriage, I knew God would be there, that my purpose would still be intact. If I was able to carry to full term and have a healthy child, God would be there also, and my purpose would be intact. It was the not knowing which way it was going to go that was the problem.
However, knowing now that I am on a new path (every day is now new as I have never been this pregnant before), it has brought another emotion. This final emotion is guilt. When I opened up about my miscarriage and struggle, I was met with so many other stories from women who I respect and admire, who are still in that struggle. These are women who I honestly believe will become amazing mothers some day. However, they are doing amazing things with their lives in the present as well, showing me that purpose is not dictated by societal timelines, but by God alone.
Still, I know what it’s like to get the pregnancy announcements on Facebook, or in an email, or in person. I know what it’s like to watch bellies grow as I felt more and more left behind. I know what it’s like to have well-meaning friends try to connect with me, only to have the conversation turn to baby/kid talk unintentionally. Not that I hated discussing the adorable children around me, it’s just that it made my missing ones that much more apparent.
I don’t want to blindly take hold of my mommy card and jump on this path to never look back. I want to continue addressing this issue we seem to have with women without children, whether by choice or not. We either use them up or treat them as useless. They deserve neither. They deserve to say they are tired or overworked without the constant comment or look that says “just wait til you have kids”. They deserve to be included in conversations and activities because we are all women dealing with life together. And ultimately, they deserve to be considered worthy in the kingdom of God. Because they are.
I don’t know where this pregnancy will take me, but I know that if I am blessed with children of my own, I want to teach them that no matter what path they are on, God has a purpose for them. Just as He has as purpose for all of you.