Change is inevitable. It’s also unpredictable. For someone who likes to plan, organize and pretend to have some semblance of control in her life, this is a constant learning opportunity for me. In fact, I’ve probably mentioned this a few times already in blogs, but this is a reoccurring lesson for me, so you will probably see this again in the future.
Lately, I’ve noticed two types of change, the predictable kind and the impending unknown kind. An example of a predictable change would be having a baby. Sure, there are unknowns involved, but there are things you can do to prepare for the change – read books, take classes, create a nursery, fill out a baby registry. You do whatever you can to prepare yourself as best as you can. That small amount of control helps.
Then there is the impending unknown kind of change. I’ve been dealing with this a lot within the past month. These are the things you can’t really talk about, not because it’s hush-hush, but because there really isn’t anything at the moment to tell. Things like, possible job position changes or transitions going on at church. Things that are totally out of your control and there’s nothing you can do to prepare, but it will still affect you in a real sort of way. Things that may have options in the future, but for now are just swaying in limbo, making it difficult to make any real future plans.
I’m getting better at dealing with change. My first trimester was a really good teacher in letting go. Throughout most of that time, I was sick, like on medication kind of sick. I couldn’t make any daily to do lists, much less try to plan for future events like I normally do. I had no idea how this pregnancy would go, and I knew women who felt this way their entire pregnancy, so I had no idea how long it would last. I had to wait until I started feeling normal again (or as normal as it would get). In that situation, I was so proud of myself because I thought I was finally learning to let go.
But the lesson isn’t over. There have been new Limbo-type changes, new ways of learning to let go. And to be honest, I don’t like it. I would love to tell you that I am taking these lessons with grace and humility, learning from the past to overcome any need for control, but it’s still there. Every time I talk about the what ifs of the future, it all just seems to become more muddled to me. There’s no resolution, only a greater need for patience on my part.
I’m handling it the only way I feel I can at the moment – one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, though that has become a lesson in itself. Daily to do lists have morphed into weekly goals, that even sometimes turn into monthly things I would like to accomplish but I’m okay if I don’t. I get frustrated when I get a rush of energy and start tackling a to do list, only to fizzle out a few items in.
Sometimes, letting go isn’t just for the big stuff. It’s for the details, as well. It’s a daily, hourly kind of thing that sometimes I excel, and sometimes I’m a tearful mess of frustration. And that’s okay. It’s not something I can prepare or plan for all the time, and I can accept that or be full of worry (I take advantage of both of those options fully). Either way, I know that even if I can’t handle it, I have a bigger God who is in control.
We aren’t expected to be perfect, but instead to let God’s grace make us whole. I try to remember that no matter how the changes in my life pan out, I will keep repeating the motto that God doesn’t promise us an easy life, but he does promise to be there every step of the way. It helps me see the bigger picture and remember what this life is all about.