Today is my due date. Was my due date. Today was supposed to be met with excitement, nervousness and anticipation, but instead it’s met with reminders of my grief, loss and empty womb. Though I thought my world was going to stop today, the sun still came up, people are still on the roads going to work, time still moves on.
I have learned a lot of lessons in these last four months since I lost my daughter. I learned that I have an amazing protector and caretaker of my heart that is my husband. We have learned new facets of our marriage relationship when it comes to crisis. He has given me space and support when I need it.
I learned that I am truly blessed with the friends and family surrounding me. Sunday night, my small group surrounded us in prayer as we faced this day. I still receive cards in the mail from family members who are praying for us. I have friends who still check in, still want to know how I am doing and what they can do to help. I have the support of my online community who continually encourage me with every post that I write. I know not all women who go through things like this have such an amazing support system, which is why I continuously acknowledge them and show my gratitude.
But there are other lessons I have learned that have been a lot harder to swallow.
I learned to let go in my grief. One of my first reactions when I lost my daughter was to hold on to everything else around me very tightly. I was so scared of losing anything else. It’s because I was faced with the fact that everything on this earth is temporary, and we aren’t guaranteed any of it, even motherhood. But I realized that holding on tightly to temporal things was like trying to hold sand in my hands, eventually it will fall through my fingers. Instead of trying to hold on to everything in my life like a hoarder, I needed to be okay with letting it all go and being grateful for what is given to me in the moment.
I learned to become more grateful for the moments in my life. When I had my first miscarriage in 2013, I promised myself that if I got pregnant again, I would appreciate every moment of that pregnancy because I may wake up one day and not be pregnant anymore. Little did I know that it would come true. However, I appreciated every day that I was pregnant, every moment of morning sickness, every little kick, every feeling of uncomfortable growth. When I had to give her back to God, I still grieved my loss, but I appreciated all those moments, and so my grief is interwoven with hope and peace.
I also learned that though this pregnancy came to an end, my purpose did not. Though I desire motherhood, I desire to glorify God more. I believe my ultimate purpose on this earth is to glorify God in my high points and especially my low points. I may not understand all the whys that life will bring me, but what I do understand is that this world has been hurting long before I did, and understanding that pain on such a personal level has given me a compassion and a longing to reach out to those who don’t know this peace, so that one day they may feel the comfort for themselves. I have discovered that I don’t need to go across oceans or to locations of extreme poverty to carry out this purpose (although I know some are called to do so, and I support their calling as well). God has called me to speak his truth into the hearts of the people around me, in my own backyard. I believe God put me in this place, with these specific experiences, so that I may reach out with compassion, kindness, understanding and truth. Jesus lived in the moment, ever present in his relationship with God and others, and I hope to do the same in my own life.
Through all of this, God has never forsaken me. My life didn’t stop on November 26th, and it doesn’t stop today. It continues and grows stronger with new hope. Someday, I hope to become a mother. I long for the day I cradle my own child in my arms. But my life is not on hold until then. I still have work to do every day, a life purpose to carry out. No matter what happens in my life, that purpose will not change. One day, I will meet my sweet little girl in heaven, but until then, I am going to let go in my grief and hold on to my gratitude in the moment, sharing that truth of God’s comfort and peace to those around me every day.