My friends are amazing.  They are so supportive and aware of my struggle with starting a family.  I know I’m pretty open about it because I feel like God has put it on my heart to share.  I’m so happy that other, more public figures, are sharing these things as well.  It happens so much more often than even I realize.  Keeping that conversation going is therapeutic for me, and it helps others to be even more aware of how to support those of us living through it.

So in today’s post, I’m going to share a typical day of dealing with my struggle.  This is a compilation day, so not everything in this day happens all at once but some or most of it does.  So, here we go.

I wake up in the morning and get my period, confirmation that I am, yet again, not pregnant.  I turn on the TV for weather and traffic and they have a news segment about parenthood or new moms or how to get your kids motivated.  Then, I get in the car and on the radio, one of the DJs of the morning talk show is expecting their first kid any day now.

I check my social media at lunch and there is usually at least one or two announcements or pregnancy updates or baby pictures on Instagram or Facebook.  But most of the feed (especially on Instagram) consists of dogs and planners, so it’s not too much of a bombardment.

On the ride home from work, the radio plays some trigger songs, songs that are about being a parent or songs that connect me to those memories of losing my daughter.

And because two years ago I signed up on a baby website when I was pregnant, I get a box of free formula in the mail or advertisements from local photographers about my baby’s first year pictures, and it hits me that next month my baby would have been one.

And I turn on my favorite TV show, and one of the characters is now pregnant and I change the channel to find a safer rerun of another show.

Then, I go out with friends that evening and they are all talking about their day and their kids and their frustrations with their kids, and “how adorable is my new baby/niece/nephew/grandchild” and they show their pictures to the group.  And I smile, but I’m tired, and I’m trying so hard not to make this awkward that I zone out on my phone.  But they are just so excited, and I should be excited too, and why can’t I be excited too.

It’s the culture I am in.  I fully recognize that I am the outlier in these situations.  And there are others like me, but it feels like we are all ticking time bombs that will soon become pregnant and leave the rest of us behind (secretly hoping that I’m the next one to go, but still holding on to guilt that I will leave others behind).

I can’t talk for others going through this because it hits all of us different, but I ask that you be patient with me.  And that you pray for me.  And thank you for letting me grieve when I need to, even if it’s just a random Tuesday and not an anniversary of anything.

The greatest thing that has come from this is learning to live in the moment with God, to allow his peace and grace to wash over me.  And to know that none of this is what gives me worth, only that I am His daughter, a child of the Most High.  And that truth is what bonds us all together, what makes us all a family.  I feel like even though we don’t have any children yet, our family continues to grow.  You all have become a part of my village and I thank you so much for walking this journey with me.