I completed a milestone in my pregnancy. I am out of that blasted first trimester. The landing into the second one has been a bit rocky. My stomach is still unsure and I feel like I’m tightrope walking between nausea and dry heaving at night right before bed, but I got a new medication that really does help with all of that.
But now, at 13 weeks, I’m entering the land of maternity clothes and ultrasounds, baby registering and gender reveals. And this is also the stage in my pregnancy where my daughter passed away. Things are different this time, but there are still some things that remain the same.
I’m having more ultrasounds done this time around. I’m being watched carefully, having more tests done. I find myself holding my breath every time they begin a test for the heartbeat or an ultrasound. I think it will be better when I feel the sure kicks from the baby, but until then, I just keep taking each day as it comes.
Weirdly enough, although not that weird at all, I find myself mourning my daughter more this month. With Mother’s Day, and entering into a new, yet familiar, phase of my pregnancy, my thoughts go back to my daughter all the time. Hope and anxiety blend and overlap every day.
I know a lot of you are praying for me, waiting in expectation for the arrival of this new little one. I’m so beyond grateful for all of you, walking this journey with me whether in person or from far away. I do feel your prayers. I appreciate the emails, texts, and comments. But I am even more grateful for the One who walks with me and goes before me. He knows what will happen and what I need and will need. While I am hesitant to fathom the end of the pregnancy with a healthy baby, I do believe that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side.
And I rest in that. I take courage in that. Even in the midst of my anxiety, that is a constant reminder. He loves me. He calls me worthy. And He will never forsake me.