I’m taking a small break in my Legacy study to share something a little more personal this week.
One year ago on Good Friday, the Friday right before Easter, I found out I was pregnant. I won’t lie. I was kinda hoping for another positive test this Good Friday as well, but that didn’t happen.
Last Sunday, I went to my old church and heard a sermon about the Saturday in between the death of Jesus and the resurrection. All those miracles, and promises, just to have him die on the cross. They didn’t know Sunday was coming. I can’t imagine what those men and women who had followed Jesus throughout his ministry felt.
Then again, maybe I do.
No one had the plan of God figured out. They thought he was a prophet. They thought he would restore the kingdom of Israel to its former glory. Death wasn’t supposed to be a part of it. Peter argued this point with Jesus and Jesus rebuked him. The plan of God was impossible for them to see.
Last year, when I found out I was pregnant, I also did the math to know when I was due. It was going to be the day before Thanksgiving, the same day of the week that my first daughter was stillborn. When I found out I was having another girl, I thought that all of the parts of the story were lining up so neatly into this beautiful testimony. And then just five months after that positive test, my daughter passed away.
It didn’t make sense. But just like the people in Jesus’s time, I’m not seeing the bigger picture. And the truth is, I will never see the bigger picture in this life. The only reason we can read the death of Jesus without faltering in our faith is because just a chapter or two later, he has risen. And then we have the rest of the New Testament and the history of the world to see that story continue to the far reaches of the earth. The people hiding behind locked doors, fearing for their lives after their teacher died, would have no way to see all of that.
The control freak in me wants to see that big picture, wants to be able to step back and see everything. See why my daughters had to die. See why I am having to wait now. I know I get a few glimpses. I see in small and big ways how God has used me during these past four years. The rest of the story will have to be built on faith. Faith that God will see this through, that he will reveal to me my next step when it’s time to take it.
That is the hope of Easter. That one day everything will be revealed in the glory of God. It is a reminder to continue living in expectation. To keep living based in faith, learning from the ones hiding in those rooms. Learning from the women who prepared the burial incense and got up early to honor their Lord, having no idea what they would find there. I must continue to walk in faith, doing what God calls me to do. Frankly, Saturday sucks. But Sunday is coming.
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Sweetie! This is terrible. I’m so sorry. Thank you for being so candid with the WP community. It’s very brave of you.
Thank you for your kind words. It was good to look back on this post today. As I’m reading it, I’m prearing to face the first anniversary that daughter’s passing. Sunday will definitely come for me one day!
You’re so positive and you’ll definitely be in my prayers. It’s so hard when we don’t know why these things happen. I sincerely hope your Sunday comes very soon ❤