Usually, my blogs are well thought out, semi-polished posts with a beginning, middle, and end, but that’s not what this one will be today. This is more like a stream of consciousness post that may have point, or it may not, but bear with me either way.
Maybe I’m having a breakdown, or maybe I’m having a breakthrough. What is the difference, really?
I don’t think I like the “like” button anymore. I mean, I guess it’s good when you agree with the writer of said post or shared article, but you have nothing to add to it, but I feel like the “like” button can be used as an excuse to not engage. We don’t have time to engage anymore, I guess, so hitting a like button is saying, “I get it, it’s good, but I don’t have time to do more, must keep scrolling.”
So, because of this, I have started engaging more. Instead of just hitting the like button, I comment more than usual. Sometimes it’s not in the comment section, but instead, it’s a private email or message to the writer. However, I’m trying to be more engaging and not letting myself use the “like” button to be passive.
Of course, my life feels anything but passive lately. One of my pet-sitting clients has been in and out of the hospital, so I’ve been watching his dogs on and off for the last two months. It’s not been overwhelming in the least. In fact, I think his dogs are getting a little too comfortable here. I kid. It’s really a good thing. I know what to expect and so do they.
But that’s not the only thing keeping me busy. I got back into fostering at the SPCA (hopefully I will have a new foster post for you soon, but I just picked her up so she’s in “no paparazzi photos, please” mode). There are also a lot of changes going on in the structure of the SPCA – all good things, more organization, more flexibility, but change causes stress, even the good kind of change.
The Alzheimer’s Walk isn’t until September, but I’m signed up and have a team to walk with this year. Being team captain actually means attending things this year, like kick-offs and such. Plus, The Longest Day is happening in June. I’m already trying to figure out what I want to do that day in support of Alzheimer research.
Let’s see, there are also other things going on. Some I can’t talk about because it’s in the very, very early stages, and I’m not even sure if it’s a road I will be able to go down, or if it’s just something to learn right now for later. I know that’s vague. I am doing some mentoring, very light mentoring like I’m trying to figure it out as I go along kind of mentoring. Then, of course, there is the house and making meals and exercise and eating healthy and supporting Michael in his endeavors and supporting my friends in their passions. This whole “stop being passive and start engaging” thing, while I have boundaries placed already, can still be overwhelming.
I mean, Mother’s Day is this Sunday. And for a gal like me who has lost three children, it’s difficult. And I’m aware that I’m not the only one. But I’m also aware that I have no problem talking about it, and because I don’t have a problem talking about it, then I should talk about it. It’s why I’ve pushed the two posts I have written about what not to say, because people are still saying these things, and that’s crazy because it’s 2017. Beyonce talks about her pregnancy loss. Mark Zuckerberg has talked about his and his wife’s struggles. The conversation is more prevalent, and yet there is so much more road to go.
Sure, I will probably hunker down on Sunday, devo with my husband, and spend time alone in contemplation. I will lament and praise and honor God with my tears and my voice and my screams and my stillness. But I’m so much more than that, and every woman is so much more than her reproductive capabilities and choices. We are complex beings living in a messy world trying to survive and thrive through the highs and lows of life. Trying to listen and be heard all at the same time. Trying to slow down and keep up all at the same time. And sometimes I just want to stop and pull the covers over my head because it’s all so freaking overwhelming and I just wish I had the answers to some of these tough choices and wish others could figure it out for me and let me cheat off of them, but then I realize.
In this chaos. In this busyness and stillness. In the reflection and confusion. There is a God who is breathing my next breath into me, giving me the epiphanies of a servant’s heart, allowing me to receive love so I can love others, allowing me to receive pain so I can have compassion for others. Not understanding, but compassion.
With everything that I’ve written in this post. With everything going on in my life. I have immeasurably more than I could have hoped and dreamed for in this life, and there are still things I long for with every fiber of my being. But one thing that has not changed and will never change is that God is doing this life with me. He will not forsake me. He will guide me. He will allow me to get isolated so that I have no choice but to turn to him for comfort. And then, I still. I listen to the quiet snoring of my twelve-year-old pup sitting on the old dog bed next to me, and I realize.
I am truly blessed. And that is something I definitely like.