Today, Facebook will remind me of when I went to the hospital to confirm that our daughter had passed. Facebook will remind me of how I numbly pulled out my laptop and typed words on a screen. Facebook will remind me of how I got back onto the familiar road of grief one year ago.
I know that you can remove memory reminders on Facebook. You can remove whole chunks of time if you want to. But I don’t want to. I want to remember the sweet nurse that kept hope for us as each medical device came back negative for a heartbeat. I want to remember how the moment the ultrasound confirmed our worst fears, my OB turned around and created a new game plan. If her sleeves weren’t already rolled up, I know she would have in that moment. I want to remember my talk with Jesus, how I re-engaged my stubborn and desperate love in the middle of chaotic grief.
I thought I would be pregnant by now, though. I hoped I would be, that maybe a new pregnancy would lessen the blow of grief that this week will bring. But I do have my husband, God, friends, family. And I’m so thankful that God has created these hedges of protection during one of the dark moments in my history.
God is good. All the time. Even in the darkened sad moments. Especially then.