Amidst the excitement that my family has currently been experiencing, November is also a time of sad anniversaries as well. At the end of this month, I will be remembering my first daughter on the 3 year anniversary of her stillbirth. But at the same time, celebrating the holiday season pregnant.
Which makes this month really weird.
Grief, in fact, can be weird and unpredictable. I remember the year after my first daughter’s stillbirth that the weeks leading up to that date were a lot harder than the day itself. And last year, I was mourning not only her death but the death of my second daughter as well. My second daughter’s due date was just days before the stillbirth date of my first. Which put me into a depression that covered the entire holiday season.
This year, not only will I be remembering my two precious little girls, I will also be experiencing the joy of the beginning of the second trimester – the renewed energy, the complete lack of nausea, the increased appetite, feeling somewhat normal again. It’s this happy but sad but happy but sad feeling that leaves everything unpredictable.
But that’s okay. If I’ve learned anything on this pregnancy journey, I’ve learned that it’s okay to not completely know what’s going to happen next. To trust that God has a clear vision of the road ahead. That He’s not going to leave me, but instead, he will guide me safely down this path.