This post was written on April 26, 2013, after I found out that there was no heartbeat in my first pregnancy, before I actually had the miscarriage. I wrote this blog because I felt like I had told so many people that I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to have to go back and tell them all that I wasn’t anymore.

This wasn’t the post I intended to write.  In fact, none of this has gone in any way that I planned, which being a planner and organizer at heart, really turned my world upside-down.

It started in the month of March.  I got this crazy fatigue.  I was sleeping in every morning, which I haven’t been able to do even if I tried.  I’ve always been an “early to bed, early to rise” kinda gal.  I was also taking naps at lunch and after work, and still going to bed early.  It was like I couldn’t get enough sleep.  Well, about a week later, we found the culprit.  I was pregnant!

My first response was to start shaking.  I was nervous, excited, scared, and felt totally unprepared (even though I had a lot of mommy friends educating me on their pregnancies and reminding me that no two pregnancies are alike).  I told only a few people at first, primarily mothers and people who could help me find a great OBGYN.  Still, there was a lot of celebration going on.

We had our first sonogram on April 10th, and it was smaller than expected.  We thought we were 8 weeks, but we were more 6 and a half, which meant no heartbeat yet.  No worries, said the Doctor, we will just have another sono in a week and a half.  They took some blood and sent me on my way.  On Friday of that week, they called again to reiterate that there was nothing wrong, especially since my blood HCG levels were perfect.

So, we went in for my second sonogram last Friday.  There was no growth in that week and a half and no heartbeat.  The doctor started talking about what to expect during a miscarriage.  I’m so glad my husband was there both times, but especially this time.  He just held me after the doctor left and let me cry for a while.  I gave more blood and just went home.

That night, I had a talk with God.  I remembered the times he had been there for me when I felt like there was no hope.  He had a major role in my meeting Michael and in the job that I now have.  So why would I even think he wasn’t here now?  I told him over and over that I trust him, and that whatever purpose he had for me had to be even bigger than what I imagined.

Last weekend was a rollercoaster.  We worked in the garden and saw a movie on Saturday.  It wasn’t until the end of the day that I realized I hadn’t felt pregnant at all that day.  Sunday was hard.  I fell into a depression and didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.  Michael let me stay at home, as long as I didn’t stay in bed all day.

Monday, we got the news.  My levels were going down.  I had officially lost the baby.  Miscarriage is imminent, even though I still hadn’t felt any of the symptoms yet.  The doctor offered a D and C, which is basically a medical procedure to clean out the uterus.  However, I felt that I would rather do this naturally, as painful as that might be.

I have had a lot of women share with me their own miscarriage stories.  It’s amazing how many women have gone through this situation.  I have found that just like every pregnancy is different, every miscarriage is too.  Sometimes it happens earlier, sometimes later.  Sometimes you hear the heartbeat, sometimes you don’t.  And every woman reacts differently too, their comfort found in many different places.

I’m not sure when I will be getting back to my regularly scheduled blogging program.  I will probably be taking a hiatus from Facebook in May (which I do every year in May, so this isn’t something new).  I  might just spend time away from social media altogether and come back refreshed in the month of June (just in time for my 30th b-day!  You know that month will be a PAR-TAY!)

I want to thank you for being so patient with me.  Thank you for the comments, even though I haven’t been able to respond.  Thank you for the kind thoughts and prayers.  I will see you soon.