Katy's Life Story

I jokingly told my husband I wanted to enter into my villain era in this new year. No, I’m not planning on giving anyone a poisoned apple or steal anyone else’s voice, but I do plan on using my own voice a little more. I’ve been afraid for most of my life of my own voice. Afraid of what people will think, of losing opportunities, or of hurting loved ones. I’ve curated my thoughts, been frustrated with my tone, and feared that others might not like me if I wasn’t absolutely careful with how I was portraying myself.
But last year, I realized that I have no control over who people think I am. No matter what my intentions may be, how much I pretzel myself into positions that I think are honoring and kind, I still disappoint other people. And I realized that by not being the fullness of who I am, I have allowed other people to fill in the gaps in the narrative with whatever they want to fill it.
And boy, are there gaps. I have never been good at social cues. I feel my emotions with my whole body. When I am allowed to be vulnerable and love completely, it can be messy. Sometimes my tone doesn’t translate well to others. And most of the time, I have no idea that my tone was offensive in the first place. But in reality, I thrive in curiosity, both in others and in myself. And it’s in that climate of curiosity, without trying to put me in a box, that my relationships flourish.
When people expect only one way of living, the “everyone sees it this way” kind of mentality, I feel pressured to try to put myself into that mold. And I never seem to fit, always letting down the people around me. Well, friends, I’m going to break the mold. I’m going to use this year to really live with abandon and see where it leads me.
And I don’t know how to make this goal an actual goal. It’s not like a smart goal, which has always been the kind that people say I should make if I want to be serious about change and actually accomplish that change. It’s going to rely more on my feeling, my writing, my own accountability. I need to find the answer to this question. Am I being true to the person I was created to be, regardless of the role other people try to put me in? Even if that role makes me their villain.
I’m not actually going to be a villain. But I’m also not going to allow others to tell me who to be anymore. I’m going to be a good friend, but not by trying to meet every expectation of my friends. I’m going to be a good mom, but not by trying to meet every expectation of my kid. I’m going to be a good wife, but not by trying to meet every expectation of my husband.
And this also means that this place isn’t going to meet all of your expectations either. I’m going to write whatever I want to write. Maybe it will be a book review, or a stream of consciousness, or a rant. This will be a safe place for my chaos. It will bring me closer to the person I want to be. And that person will love honestly, communicate the best way I know how, be vulnerable with those who have earned my vulnerability, and explore the world with fearless curiosity.