Author Archives: Katy

Trusting My Body

In the first year of my kid’s life, I was desperate to find a schedule that solved every issue we faced. But even to this day, not one of the many schedule suggestions online worked for us. Namely because this kid wakes up between 6 and 6:30 almost every single morning, and apparently, the majority of the schedules out there cannot fathom a child getting up that early. The best piece of advice for us was “feed the baby when they are hungry and sleep when they sleep,” but it required me to slow down, tune into my kid’s body, and look and listen for cues.

That was extremely hard for me. And one of the reasons it was so difficult was because I wasn’t doing it with my own body. I hadn’t for a long time. I didn’t realize that this was a major barrier at the time, but looking back, and after an extremely good amount of therapy this last year, I discovered that somewhere along the way, I stopped trusting myself.

I stopped trusting my body. Instead, I let society, community, and culture dictate how I should take care of this body, what it should look like, what it should be able to do. I chased one diet after another, one schedule after another, researched every culturally successful person’s morning and evening routine, trying to glean some wisdom that would make me feel happy, healthy, put together, organized, and whole. Even church culture promoted a certain standard to chase, from the clothes I wore to how I should act in every relationship I had, even how to grieve.

But this spring, I started listening to my body. At first, it was chaotic because it had so much to say, but once I stilled, once I allowed it to speak, it reminded me of the truths that God had woven into my heart from a very small age. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am strong. I cannot be defined by the ideas around me because I will never completely fit. I was not made to completely fit. I was made to stand on my own, to shine, to sing, to dance, to smile and laugh, to be in relationship with the one true Creator of the universe.

Now, that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? But I am still in the early stages of this realization. I still struggle with the beauty of my body. Something that I’ve seen work for other women who have had children and are trying accept their body after it goes through so many changes in pregnancy is the fact that their body carried those babies and brought them into the world. But that doesn’t completely work for me. My body has a 25% success rate so far in that area. And before I had my kid, I was carrying the weight of failed pregnancies. So, how do I find beauty in a body I thought betrayed me?

It’s not easy. Surprisingly, or maybe not so, when I recently started doing 20-30 minutes of yoga a day, I started to feel more in tune with my body. I’ve been doing yoga for about 20 years now, off and on, but I don’t think there is something mystical or magical about yoga. It’s about breathing, listening to the basic breath coming into your body and releasing out of it. It’s about being aware when your muscles stretch and your bones creak or pop. It’s not about the positions or getting to the next level for me, it’s about the slowing down.

When I slow down, I see my body in action. It actually tells me much earlier than I realized exactly what it needs. There are the big signals, like the extreme pain of a kidney stone, but it also tells me in the small nudges towards hunger, loneliness, thirst. I also recognize that this isn’t new. We learn this in science class, but it’s drowned out by words like food addiction and laziness. These kinds of words have convinced me not to trust my body, that it is too broken to communicate. When in reality, it’s been communicating just fine, it’s just that how my body works doesn’t seem to match how my culture says it’s supposed to work. And that is what I have to unlearn and let go.

It’s a work in progress. For the longest time, being busy was considered the highest achievement, but I realize now that it was keeping me from listening to the body God created, to allow it to work the way it was made to, instead having to turn to other sources who could never know my body the way I do. Right now, I have a slight headache, and I realized I hadn’t had much water this morning. Now, I wouldn’t have realized that before, I would have taken a pain pill or tried to find some quick fix, or I would have tried to muscle through it, ending up more sick, usually with something sinus related. But I stopped, listened, and I’m sipping on water between sentences. Slowly, my headache is disappearing. Of course, if it didn’t, I would try other things, but I’m not chasing the quick fixes as much anymore.

And learning to embrace my body, to listen to its cues, will not be quickly fixed either. There are days I’m frustrated that I don’t look like I did when I was 20, or fit into clothes and styles I have loved in the past. But now, I have an opportunity to really find what I love, really know who I am, and build a confidence that will see me through this life with grace, compassion and love.


I got severely dehydrated last week, and also got an ear infection somehow, but I was concerned it might be COVID (even though I am fully vaccinated and have been for months). So I went to my favorite Urgent Care/ER to have both checked out. I’ve been here two other times in this last shutdown year, for a kidney stone and for chest pains (both resolved easily and were not serious). But there was never more than one other person in the waiting room.

This time, there were five in the waiting room, with no available beds for at least an hour to an hour and a half (which I think they meant in the ER portion of the facility because I was in and out on the Urgent Care side in about an hour). The nurse told me it was because the local hospital was at capacity and they were getting some of the overflow, plus walk-ins like me.

My major concern this past year has been the hospitals. If the hospitals are overrun with COVID patients, then they don’t have the capacity for heart attacks, strokes, broken bones and concussions. If I had another kidney stone, where would I go? Where would my kid go after a fall or a spiked fever at 2am?

Of course, the information I’m receiving is saying that this new variant is making more kids sick than the previous ones did. Arkansas Children’s Hospital issued a press release this week stating they have 24 patients hospitalized who are positive with COVID-19, 7 of them in ICU and 4 on ventilators. This is a 50% increase from any previous daily hospitalization. So, the whole “it’s not as bad for kids” may not be entirely true for this form of the virus.

So while one half of me is following this information so I can try to make the day to day decisions that involve my kid, the other half of me is tired.

I’m tired of the fighting. I’m tired of the cacophony of information resources that make up our country. I’m tired of not feeling safe in public places because frankly, people aren’t being honest about the whole mask/vaccinated thing.

But then, I also get it. I get that there are a lot of good fights to fight, things worth fighting for that will affect the generations to come. I get that we have all been misled in one way or another in our lives, and even the best of informational resources have been wrong at times, and that’s a really scary place to be wrong. I get that people have been harassed on both sides of the mask issue as well as the vaccine.

I’m just tired. And the idea of facing another shutdown (even if self-imposed) sounds overwhelming, even for a homebody like me. Because I know it will not be everyone this time. I know that my state will never impose another lockdown again (although I truly want to be wrong about that if we really face dire times again). It will be my own choice, and I will miss out on the community I desperately need. The community I have needed for over a year. The community I have only tasted these last two months.

But I’m going to do what I normally do. I’m going to write a long blog post (check). Then I’m going to pray about it (as I have been every single day since the beginning of this whole thing). Then I’m going to breathe, go to bed, sleep, get up in the morning and start a new day. With the hope that I may be a little less tired than I was the day before.

Hello, Again

How was everyone’s weekend? I still have this blasted cold, but I’m on the upswing, I think. I was spoiled this last year from not getting sick. It was unbelievable, friends. All that social distancing and mask wearing, and for the first time EVER, I went through a whole year without getting the sniffles once. And the first week we swing back to the normal side of life, I’m down for three weeks. It’s ridiculous. I mean, I understand that being in the rhythms of community is important, but I am also a big fan of breathing through my nose. So, give and take, I guess.

It’s supposed to rain all week this week, and while I’m a fan of my garden getting watered without me lugging several gallons of it to my raised beds, I’m hoping that the rain will stop by Saturday. There are holiday festivities this weekend that depend on decent weather. And I really want my kid to experience those activities. I guess we shall see.

I’m still in that process of going through things, but in the worst way. I’m struggling, friends. It’s like, I look at a closet and think, “Yea, I need to go through that.” Then I shut the doors. Or, I open a tote from one shelf and look through all the contents with loving nostalgia, then place the tote back on the shelf, having done nothing to organize, categorize, or whittle down the contents in that storage bin. The closet looks the same as when I started.

However, today, I did go through one shelf in my office closet. It was a basket of candles. I pulled open an excel and listed every candle in the bin. I also opened and smelled the candles to decide whether or not they were still good (because candles do go bad) or even if I still liked the scent of them. Everything I kept was listed in the excel, and now I have a pile of candles to get rid of. Along with the pile of books. But all of this took an hour of my time today. Granted, I also had to check on my dog and watch a Tiktok video or three because focusing is hard, but at this rate, I’m going to have to pack things and move them to the new house before I actually decide whether or not I want to keep them.

It’s just 12 years of life I’m trying to sift through. No big deal.

Well, it’s time to go wake up the kid again. Until next time.

Streams of Thought

I don’t really know what to title this blog post. I thought about maybe “I’m back!” or “Blogging again!”, but honestly, I’m not ready to be completely consistent, you know? I just wanted to hop on here and leave a little love note to my friends and family that still miraculously check on this blog to see if there is a new post.

And I love you for that. Please keep checking back in, I promise my brain will settle enough at some point to bring back some organized consistency. But for now, just a little update.

After one full week of normalcy around here, we all promptly got a cold that is still hanging on to me with a vise-like grip, despite the copious amounts of medicine, tea, water, cough drops, hot baths/showers, and general rest I have tried to do with a three year old underfoot. It’s not covid, but my cough sounds like covid, so I’m also trying my best to avoid public places at the moment so I don’t scare someone who is spending their first day in the world without a mask, only to find some woman walking into the store hacking up half of her lung.

I also had a birthday, which was super low key. I had an amazing day with my husband and kid, but I realized just how much I have forgotten how to be social. Plus, a lot of my friends have gone in completely different directions in life over the last year or two, so coming out of this pandemic, I am sort of starting over in the friend department. Which is a little daunting to an introverted homebody who has not been exercising her social muscles for a year, and they have definitely atrophied. I mean, I’m going to stay in touch with my current friends, but most have or are soon moving away.

That said, I’m moving as well. Right in the middle of this fall (hopefully, if all the cards play as they are supposed to). It’s too far from where I am, but it’s far enough to be new. This honestly started with my husband and I swapping pictures of houses for sale on Zillow which somehow became a more serious conversation. Then we started looking at neighborhoods and home builders, and wham, bam, thank you ma’am, we signed a contract and the wheels are now in motion. We have lived where we have lived for almost 12 years. These walls have seen so much of our lives – our heartbreaks, our joys, our fights, and our growth as human beings (literally for my kid who was brought to this home after the hospital and now is over three feet tall).

So, I’ve begun the process of going through things, because no one wants to move things they don’t want. And of course, I started with books. I now have four neat towers of books on the floor of my office, waiting for me to figure out how I want to give them away. I’m excited with how I have organized the ones I’m keeping. I divided them by read and not read, with one shelf for general reference books. I figured out that I read a lot of young adult, but have a good bit of adult books and non fiction to last me probably until next year at the rate I’m reading them.

I am still reading. I keep a reading journal with brief bits of thought on each book, but I haven’t actually written a review for one in quite a long time. I am out of practice, I’m sure. I did write a book review for the children’s book, “What is God Like?” by Rachel Held Evans and Matthew Paul Turner because a) I was on the launch team but b) I would have done it anyway because I love both of these people. By the way, it debuted at number one on the NYT best seller list for Children’s Picture Books.

Well, I told myself I would write until my kid’s nap is over, which is now, so if you made it through this stream of consciousness, I love you. Thank you for checking in and checking up on me. Hopefully, I will make this consistent, and then I can confidently say I’m back, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. I mean, I still have to figure out that “being social” thing again, so there’s a good bit on my plate. Talk to you soon!

Taking a Break To Unplug

Isn’t it silly when someone announces all over their social media, or their blog, that they are going to take a break from social media or their blog?


I’m taking a break from social media and my blog for the time being. It’s nothing too dramatic, I’m just reprioritizing a few things in my life right now, focusing on some other things offline. It’s all good. I’m okay, my family is okay, all that. But these kind of breaks are really necessary and inevitable in the world we live in today. With pandemics and polar vortexes, not to mention the manmade drama of politics and social media, taking a step back and a big breath is a healthy thing to do.

So, without out being too dramatic, and with a little bit of self-awareness, I’m going to step back. It doesn’t mean I won’t be online or commenting every now and then on some platform, it just means I’m going to take a break from writing. In the meantime, stay safe, love one another, and I will talk to you later.

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach: A Review

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
My rating: 4 of 5 star

This book was recommended by a dietitian on Tiktok, which is probably not the last time Tiktok will be the source of a recommendation. I liked the idea of a holistic look to nutrition, that it requires both a healing of the mind and the body. And that was really what this book was about.

Basically, there are ten principles to follow (though they are not to be thought of as rules but more reminders). Principles like “Honor Your Hunger” and “Respect Your Body.” The introduction touched on the white supremacy and patriarchal influences that led to European standard of fat phobia.

It focuses the majority of the book on mental health and overcoming that instead of following some nutritional rules. It even has a chapter dedicated to eating disorders and another one dedicated to raising intuitive eaters. It was really helpful and encouraging to learn that nutritional health won’t get better until the relationship with food heals.

So if you are tired of diet culture and food police, and want another book that encourages body positivity and a healthy mental and physical lifestyles, this book is a must for your reference shelf. I know that it will be staying on mine.

There is no profanity, sexual content or violent content. There is a lot of discussion on physical attractiveness and eating disorders, so be aware of those triggers.

Fate: The Winx Saga: A Review

Fate: The Winx Saga created by Brian Young
My rating: of 5 stars

Apparently, this series is based on an animated series from Nickelodeon, but in a much darker context. The basic premise is that fairies exist. Our world is called The First World, and the place where much of the story takes place is in The Otherworld. In The Otherworld, there are seven realms, and all of them send their best and brightest to the private school at Alfea.

Bloom, our main character, is from California and doesn’t have magical parents. In fact, when her abilities appear, she has no idea what is going on. She is found by the headmistress of the school and brought to Alfea. She meets her roommates, all fairies with different abilities that affect the elements – water, earth, light, even an empath. There is the mystery of Bloom’s lineage and her connection with The Burned Ones, these creatures who are deadly and appeared around the same time that Bloom’s abilities appeared.

There is angst and teenage drama, wistful romances and dark secrets. Very much Vampire Diaries or The Secret Circle vibes. I like that the faculty of the school didn’t seem shady or mean, but genuinely care about the students and preparing them for the worst of circumstances. I think teen shows can miss the opportunity of adult mentors. Even Bloom’s mom, while probably a little intense at times, truly cares about Bloom in a really authentic way.

I know that not a lot of people have liked this series, especially ones who are familiar with the animated series or the books, but I haven’t seen anything so far that would make it completely unwatchable. Like I said, it reminds me a lot of The Secret Circle which only got one season so that might not bode well for this show. It also has Vampire Diaries Vibes as well, which had many seasons, so it will all depend on the fan base. And the real question is, with the popularity of Bridgerton (which I will review soon), are we still in a fantasy-watching mood as a society? Either way, I enjoy the mystery and the magic. I don’t mind the teen angst, and I look forward to watching more episodes!

There is profanity. In the first episode, there is a shirtless boy and a clothed girl in bed. Some chaste kissing, sexual innuendo, but nothing graphic. Violent content includes a mutilated body that has been burned, fight training, and choking by vine, but nothing explicit, and you don’t see anyone actually being attacked, just the aftermath.

Charity: Hope Mommies

The final organization I want to talk about this month is about something that is very close to my heart. If you haven’t been reading this blog very long, mainly for my book or film/tv reviews, you may not know that I am a loss mom. Before I had my kid, I was pregnant three different times. I had one miscarriage and two stillbirths before my rainbow baby.

After my first stillbirth, the hospital presented me with a shoebox filled with sweet encouraging notes, a candle, some lotion, and a sweet letter from another loss mom. That is the main mission of Hope Mommies, to provide support to mothers and families experiencing infant loss.

Speaking specifically about the Dallas chapter, they have a private Facebook groups, meet for dinner about once a month in various parts of DFW, and come together (before COVID, mainly) to put together shoeboxes of support like the one I received at my stillbirth (I actually received another one at my second stillbirth as well. I have been blessed to be able to be a part of some of these gatherings that put together the shoeboxes, knowing how much it meant to me, personally.

And, they usually host an event in October (which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month) to remember the precious little ones. Sometimes it is a walk, sometimes a balloon release, sometimes it’s just a small service to remember. Plus, they host Bible studies using devotional books that were written by other Hope Mommies.

1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss at some point in their lifetime. To have organizations like Hope Mommies, a community of women who support each other in their faith in Christ, is necessary. I hope to continue supporting others and walking with them in their journey just as these beautiful women have walked with me.

For more information about this organization, you can visit their website here.

Their Eyes Were Watching God: A Review

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
My rating: 4 of 5 star

This was the Life’s Library community book choice at the end of 2020. It is classic from the 1930s by Zora Neale Hurston. It is thought to be feminist literature because the main character is presented as a strong female character.

The story follows a woman named Janie. Raised by her grandmother who was a former slave, Janie was the product of a probable rape, which leads her mother to want very little to do with her. Janie grows up and marries the man who her grandmother sets her up to marry, but the marriage doesn’t last long. She gets married another two times in her life, and this book follows her life throughout those marriages.

People around her like to put her in boxes that she doesn’t quite fit into. While at first, she tries hard to meet the expectations of others, she eventually learns to trust herself and find contentment in the choices she makes, no longer caring about what other people may think. It is empowering, but also heartbreaking, as near the end of the book, she has to make very hard decisions that bring sad consequences. But her resilience through everything is beautiful.

This book wasn’t what I expected. Most of the classics I know are flowery in their descriptions, but Hurston really focuses on dialect, conversation, and moves the plot forward this way. This would definitely be a good audiobook to listen to (I actually listened to parts of this book instead of reading it completely). The story is meant to be read out loud. Very entertaining and definitely recommend.

There is a profanity in the book. Sexual content includes mentions of rape and kissing. Violence includes mentions of rape, whippings, there is a gun involved in a skirmish that ends up pointing in Janie’s face, and there are deaths and descriptions of dead bodies being buried after a hurricane.

Tiger: A Review

Tiger directed by Matthew Hamachek and Matthew Heineman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This intriguing, fascinating, and heartbreaking two-part documentary is on HBOMax right now, and it is a definite recommend.

Tiger Woods was a big name in sports when I was in high school. I remember all the commercials he was in, and I remember the scandal of his infidelity to his wife. But, as with all stories, there is more that what we see in the tabloids and on the screen.

The first part of this film covers Wood’s childhood. His strict upbringing with his father and mother who provided and prompted him with all the necessary tools to nurture his natural talent at golf. His childhood and adolescent years were not typical. His father was convinced he was going to be the next greatest social changer of his generation, right up there with Gandhi and Nelson Mandela. What incredible pressure to place on the shoulders of a kid.

The second part of the film covers his fall from grace. The trips to Las Vegas. The many girlfriends and mistresses, in particular they interview Rachel Uchitel. The role models who he grew up around who were not faithful to their own wives, including his own father. The way that the tabloids, the sponsors, the fans, even his own family used him for their own agendas, never really allowing him to find out who he really was. His entire identity was wrapped in golf.

And when his performance started to decline, so did he. When everything came out in the open, and he fell hard, it was just so hard to watch. But even though his upbringing was hard, his father really did love him. So does his mother. And as he finally comes into who he now is, you can see him finally enjoying life in a healthy way. At least, I hope so. I hope he has found happiness and contentment in his life after so many hard years.

This was a conviction to me about parenting, about being a good, kind friend, about caring for the people around you beyond whatever agenda you have. It’s about authenticity. And it ends on such a hopeful note. Even if you aren’t into sports at all, this is a good one to watch.

There is profanity. No sex scenes, but sex is discussed, primarily by his mistress and the tabloids. His dad’s friend hints at it as well. Violence includes beatings and navy seal training, the car accident he is involved in, and a tape of a DUI arrest.