Category Archives: Pregnancy 2017

Postpartum Anxiety Update

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It’s been a couple months since I talked about being diagnosed with Post Partum Anxiety, so I thought I would give a little update and reflection on how I’m doing now.

In two words, much better.  But it was definitely a journey to get to this point.  I was already in therapy at the time, but that continues on a regular basis.  I was also put on medication, which I continue to take.  And I incorporated meditation and regular exercise (either walking or yoga or both some days) into my routine.

While I think the conversation around mental health is getting better, there is also a stigma still surrounding the topic.  But mental health is just as important as our physical health.  I find it interesting that if I was diagnosed with diabetes or cancer, taking medication, adjusting lifestyle, and going to doctors on a regular basis doesn’t seem out of the ordinary.  But if I’m dealing with depression or anxiety, it’s a different story.

In fact, something I still feel weird talking about is the fact I was diagnosed with PTSD while I was pregnant with my son.  I always thought PTSD was reserved for “real trauma” – war veterans, physical or sexual abuse, things like that.  But I did go through real trauma with my daughters.

Anne Bogel, a blogger on modernmrsdarcy.com, shared a post she wrote last year about her experiences on 9/11 and the panic attacks she had following those events.  And how she didn’t get help right away because she felt like her situation wasn’t as bad as others.  In the infertility and pregnancy loss world, a comparison can be just as detrimental.

Even now, when I’m asked if Sam is my first, I say that I had two stillborn daughters before him.  If I say I had miscarriages or pregnancy loss, they ask how far along was I in the pregnancy.  As if to say that if it wasn’t far enough along, then I’m not entitled to my grief or to even talk about them. In fact, I still struggle to talk about my first miscarriage, before my two daughters, because it wasn’t “as bad.”

I know that it’s hard to talk about what’s going on inside our heads and our hearts.  Sometimes even we aren’t able to process everything fully and with clarity.  And it’s easy to compare our situation with others and write it off as nothing.  But it’s not.  If you found a lump in your breast, even if it wasn’t as big as someone else’s lump, you would still go to the doctor to get it checked out, right?  In the same way, going to a professional therapist to talk about the things you are experiencing is just as normal.

No matter where you are in life, and what you are feeling, you are not alone.  To be honest, I think everyone should include mental checkups in their annual routines.  So if you are experiencing anxiety or depression, or even just think a mental checkup would do you good, I highly encourage you to seek out a good therapist or talk to your doctor.

How I Survived The First Three Months

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Sam is about to be 4 months old in a couple weeks.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and him in these last few months.  Just like any life stage, there has been a definite learning curve to the adjustments.  So, I thought I would share some general things I’ve learned.

  1. Get your people.  Your community is necessary.  Whether I was going through pregnancy loss or melting down at the frustrations of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding, I am so thankful for the support system I have around me.  My husband is incredible, as well.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through these weeks without him.
  2. Self-care is important.  This is something I really started to prioritize after I lost my daughters, and it is still true in this season of life as well.  Whether it’s a couple hours on the weekend, or even just a favorite body soap in the shower, I have tried to find little moments throughout my day that give me a little pick-me-up to keep me going.
  3. Find your rhythm.  One of the most unhelpful things I have seen are the hundreds of websites promising the perfect schedule or product that will help my baby sleep (which all looked like they could work in the desperate hours of 2 or 3 am).  But even before I had Sam, I was trying to find the perfect schedule or planner or product that would make my life easier or more efficient.  But something I have learned in the last couple of years, and especially had to re-learn these last couple of months is to be okay with what works for you.  Trying things out is fine, but embracing the rhythms that were already there, making sure my priorities were met, and letting go of the strict schedules that worked for someone different than me were probably the best things I could have done for my own sanity.

Everyone in this life is just trying to figure it out.  No matter what life stage you are in, no matter what you are dealing with, no matter what accomplishments or pitfalls you are facing, these things really helped me and I hope that they might help you too.  Of course, having a God in my life willing to walk through it with me makes all of this even possible.  His quiet whispers of encouragement through my community, his soft reminders to take care of myself, and his calm rhythms thrumming in my own life have helped my head to stay above water.

Thank you for all of your encouragement and support over these first few months as well as the last five years.  I’m always so grateful for your friendships, both near and far.

Some A’s for the Q’s

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The past few months since our son was born, I’ve gotten a couple questions asked that I thought would be good to address on here as well.  Having a child after pregnancy loss tends to color the world just a little bit differently, and seemingly innocuous questions may end up being more awkward than intended.  So, here’s my perspective.

Is this your first?  

I have gotten this question at the pharmacy, Wal-mart, walking on the trails, at the car service place.  Just about everywhere.  It comes up right after “Oh, he’s so cute!”  And it’s usually a stranger who doesn’t know my story.

Even people who do know my story refer to Sam as my firstborn which is a weird conundrum.  Because he’s technically not.  I literally gave birth to two precious girls in the hospital.  But they were stillborn.

I know this has been a problem for several pregnancy loss moms because this comes up on the forums at least once every 6 months.  We want to honor our children who passed away, but somehow, it’s controversial to do so.  And awkward.  And we don’t want the other person to feel bad for asking such a simple question.

Basically, I say, “I had two stillbirths before having this one” and leave it at that.  Sometimes it opens up the most beautiful conversations, sometimes it doesn’t.  But that’s okay.  (I know that for some moms this is really hard to talk about, especially around anniversaries.  So if you don’t mention your other kids sometimes, that’s okay too.)

Are you going to have more children?

I was dumbfounded the first time this topic was brought up because I hadn’t even physically recovered from having my son yet!

The short answer is not right now.  We are still figuring out this little boy.  I’m still dealing with postpartum anxiety.  We are taking this life day by day, enjoying the good moments and surviving and learning from the bad ones.

Even if we go other routes to add children to our family, like adoption, nothing is easy and nothing is guaranteed.  And all of it is emotional.  And there is so much more processing and working through my emotions that I need to do.

Do I want my son to have a sibling on this earth (in addition to his two sisters in heaven)?  Yes.  Do I know how or when that will happen?  No.  But I can confidently say not today.

If you get pregnant again, will it be high risk?

So, again, short answer, yes.  Even if I never had pregnancy losses, I am now in the Advanced Maternal Age category, so they would all be a high risk anyway.

But I realize that the question is really, “Is it over?”

And the answer is no.  This last pregnancy gave no answers to why I lost my two daughters.  Perhaps it is a gender thing, but it may not be.  The reality is that it could still go either way.  It is another reason I need to spend some time getting emotionally ready if we do decide to try again for another baby.

Of course, these are my answers to these questions.  Other moms could have different answers.  And my answers could change in the future.  I know that these questions come from a place of love, but be careful how you ask and be ready for the mom not to answer.  And I would also suggest not asking complete strangers these questions, but instead just tell them they have a beautiful baby and that they are a beautiful mom.  That’s really the best thing you could do.

My Experience with PostPartum Anxiety

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I waited five long years.  Through miscarriage and stillbirth, I finally gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  I crossed the finish line.

Or so I had thought.

When I reached that finish line, I looked up and saw I had several more laps to go.  And, guys, I was exhausted.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  Not even considering the following weeks of sleep deprivation and hormonal letdown.  Anxiety was still present.

But I chalked it up to the baby blues.  I waited until the hormones leveled out more or less.  Michael took the night shift so I could get more sleep.  Even after that, I still had those nights when those thoughts wouldn’t leave me.  The thought that wouldn’t let me sleep.

“Your baby is going to die tonight.”

It was terrifying.  I would be up every hour checking on the baby, even if I woke him up.  And we knew that this wasn’t sustainable.  Even during the daytime naps, I was constantly checking to see if he was breathing.  In those moments, it was as if he knew because he always seemed to kick or sigh in his sleep when I looked over at him.

There were other issues as well.  I didn’t trust my intuition.  I was convinced that I was going to hurt him in some way.  Was I feeding him enough?  If his head fell forward or fell backward unexpectedly, was I forever damaging him?  I felt like he was safer in other people’s arms than in my own.  And I wasn’t bonding with him at all.

So, I talked to my therapist.  She told me that all of these things were quite common in a lot of pregnancies.  Bonding with the baby wasn’t going to be instantaneous, just like falling in love with someone happens slowly over time.  However, my PTSD from losing my girls was definitely playing a part, and after I talked to my OB, I got some medication to help.

And it has helped.  It doesn’t make everything perfect, but it quiets the thoughts and gives me a chance to learn to trust my gut.  And I’m bonding with the little guy more and more each day.

There is this pressure to enjoy motherhood.  To soak up every second of every day because it goes by so fast.  And because I have waited so long for these moments, the pressure feels even greater to appreciate every second.  I love my son.  And I look forward to the snuggles every day.  I even think some of his cries are adorable (and when he sticks out that lip, I just want to snuggle him).

But I have to take care of myself.  I need to make sure I’m as healthy as I can be so that I can take care of him.  Post-partum anxiety is real and nothing to be ashamed of.  And it’s not forever, so for now, I will just take each day as it comes, giving myself grace, and be grateful for the support and love that surrounds me.

DFS: The Arrival

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Michael and I are pleased to announce that our son, Sam, arrived this week.

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She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.” (1 Samuel 1:20)

We are over the moon excited and completely exhausted. In anticipation of this event, I filmed a video early that ties up the Dear Future Self/Pregnancy Update videos.

Basically, I’m going to go on a hiatus from social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc) and from blogging for the rest of this month. The plan is to come back the first full week of June, unless it’s still a little too crazy and in that case, I will still probably let you guys know what’s going on with a short post that first week of June. And coming back may only be a post a week for a while, building back up to a regular schedule as I gradually get into the swing of things. No worries, I’m giving myself a lot of grace and space for this process.

I hope you all have a wonderful month of May. Due to the hiatus, I may not be able to respond right away to comments, but just know that I’m so grateful for all of you. Now I need to go snuggle a baby. Talk to you in June!

DFS: Week 35 and Some Anxiety Rears Its Ugly Head

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I know that I’ve been anxious through most of this pregnancy, but this week just seemed to hit a peak.  The place I struggle with it the most, which I mention a little bit in my video is putting this nursery together.  There are so many memories I have of working on registries and the nursery in my other pregnancies, and I think that kind of tipped the scale this week.  I can literally walk into the nursery, look at everything in there, and experience a complete creativity block having no idea what I want it to look like.  I know it will come together eventually, so I’m just taking it one step at a time.

DFS: Week 33 and The Calm After the Storm

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This week, other than the ultrasound appointment, there isn’t much to share.  As far as my stress levels, I have good days and bad days.  While in most pregnancies, women can breathe a sigh of relief after a certain point, my stress just seems to get a little higher.  With the umbilical cord placement and the fact that they still don’t have any idea why my other two pregnancies ended the way they did, all I can do is take each day as it comes with faith and the knowledge that God isn’t leaving my side anytime soon.