Category Archives: Pregnancy loss

Continuing the Conversation

I want to keep sharing other people’s stories or articles from around the internet this year, so here are three new posts to share.

Families mourning pregnancy and infant loss hit with costly bills

Something I don’t see discussed as often is the actual financial cost of pregnancy loss. CBS news did a story on this, and I’m glad to see people speaking up about it. Not just the hospital bills, but at least in my case, we also had cremation bills as well.

Infertility: Other people’s pregnancies

This is a great article written for women going through pregnancy loss. A lot of great advice.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Secondary Infertility

Another great article on Huffington Personal that shares a journey with secondary infertility. Any time I find a story like this, it’s a definite must-share. I know that someone who may read this may also relate to her story.

If you have never experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, I can guarantee there is someone in your life who has.  While the above stories may not be the same experiences for everyone, they can definitely open that window to more understanding and empathy for what everyone goes through.  And for those of you who are in the midst of these unknowns or losses, you are not alone.  May these words uplift and encourage you today.

Do you have any posts or articles that have touched you or compelled you to share?

When Are You Having Another?

It felt like every week I was at the grocery store. I would pull into a cashier’s lane, load my groceries on the conveyor belt, and pull my cart towards the end. One look at my precious boy’s face, and I got all the coos and oohs and aahs. “What pretty eyes.” “He’s so sweet.” “He’s so cute.” “He’s so good.”

And then the next question inevitably came. “When are you going to have another?”

Even though the question came every week, it still caught me off guard. It took me five years to bring this little boy home. Through unknowns and losses. Getting pregnant, for me, is a gamble. It’s going face first into massive unknowns. It’s a huge leap of literal faith to get to the other side of a pregnancy.

And they are asking me to do it again.

Of course, they don’t know my story. Sometimes, I give them a TL;DR version, impressing upon the fact that it’s scary for me to get pregnant. It doesn’t mean I won’t do it again. It just means that there are a lot of steps between here and there.

Sometimes, that helps. And sometimes it just fuels more uncomfortable questions while I’m trying to type in my member rewards number and pay for my groceries. They are asking me to do something I have little to no control over. But pregnancy isn’t talked about that way. It’s talked about like “if you stare at your husband too long, you get pregnant,” and “if you get pregnant, you have a baby.” When it doesn’t work that way for a lot of women. At. All.

I wouldn’t walk away so annoyed if I didn’t know that there were other things to talk about in the world. Weather. Groceries I’m buying. Even how old my son is or what our plans are for the weekend. Fun trivia facts. I might even delve into politics and religion if it meant avoiding the baby talk.

Actually, most of the time, I’m not annoyed. I know that our culture has made it okay for women to be asked about their reproductive decisions, and that it’s okay to make judgment calls on these decisions. Even though these really aren’t okay, it’s hard to make a big ship turn around quickly.

That’s why I keep writing about this. Because our culture has made these questions and comments common, it can feel isolating when you can’t answer them with the common answers and reactions. But you aren’t alone. And maybe one day, one interaction at a time, we might change the conversation. Even in the grocery line.

Continuing the Conversation

I want to keep sharing other people’s stories or articles from around the internet this year, so here are three new posts to share.

Women Are Demanding Miscarriages be Part of School’s Sex Education Curriculum

This is happening in Scotland after an outcry that a miscarriage depicted on a TV show wasn’t realistic. And it was actually the outcry that was misinformed. Personally, I would love there to be more of a conversation about miscarriages and pregnancy loss in the sex education curriculum. Even when I took a class in high school on child development from the womb to toddler age, loss was not even discussed.

We Need To Talk About Men And Miscarriage

While I don’t think there is a whole lot of conversation around pregnancy loss to begin with, there is even less about how men deal with the loss. I know my husband grieves our losses, too, and I appreciate studies and articles like this one.

MEN USE THESE 4 METAPHORS TO DESCRIBE MISCARRIAGE

Going along with the above article, this one in particular focuses on how men perceive their role in a pregnancy loss – as a rock, guard, repairman, or secondary character. And that these particular roles show the fact the men feel they have to put their grief and feelings aside for their partner. And how that needs to change.

If you have never experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, I can guarantee there is someone in your life who has.  While the above stories may not be the same experiences for everyone, they can definitely open that window to more understanding and empathy for what everyone goes through.  And for those of you who are in the midst of these unknowns or losses, you are not alone.  May these words uplift and encourage you today.

Do you have any posts or articles that have touched you or compelled you to share?

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter of Mine,

This month you would have turned 4 if you were born on your due date. There are so many things I wonder about how you would have been at this point in your life.

What would be your favorite color? Your favorite food? Would you have a best friend? Would you prefer to go to the library or the park? What would be your favorite TV show? Your favorite song? Would you like to sing or dance?

How would you have been as a big sister to my little Sam? Being the oldest, I can already assume you would be a little bossy if you were anything like I was as an older sister. Would you be trying to teach him words and colors?

I miss you, baby. Every year, I see little girls born around the same time you were supposed to be born and I wonder how similar and different you would be. It seems time just keeps moving without you here, but you are very, very missed. Both you and your sister are very, very loved and missed. I think about you both all the time.

Your brother will know who you are. He will grow up with the reality of his two big sisters. He will know that you love him, because I’m sure you do.

Baby, mama loves you. I know you and your sister aren’t alone. I know you are being surrounded by family and being held by our Creator.

Big hugs and kisses to my precious girl today. Hug your sister.

Love you always,

Your Mama.

Continuing the Conversation

I want to keep sharing other people’s stories or articles from around the internet this year, so here are three new posts to share.

‘Why I kept quiet about my infertility for five years’

Kayleigh Evans and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for three years when she decided to record small video blogs in secret. After a full five years of waiting, she finally got pregnant with their two month old son. And now she has created a compilation of these videos to share with others what it’s like to go through infertility.

7 Tips for Keeping Your Relationship Strong When Dealing With Infertility

Some really good insight into keeping your relationship healthy when you are dealing with either infertility or pregnancy loss. A lot of it is on different ways communication can help and hurt.

Woman shocked by friend’s incredibly ‘cruel’ comment after her miscarriage

This was an article about an anonymous post on Reddit. Unfortunately, this kind of conversation happens so much more often than most people realize. But I wanted to share it so that anyone who experiences things like this know that they aren’t alone (and anyone who says things like this might stop saying it).

If you have never experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, I can guarantee there is someone in your life who has.  While the above stories may not be the same experiences for everyone, they can definitely open that window to more understanding and empathy for what everyone goes through.  And for those of you who are in the midst of these unknowns or losses, you are not alone.  May these words uplift and encourage you today.

Do you have any posts or articles that have touched you or compelled you to share?

Six years

Dates are important to me. I keep a running list of anniversaries in my Google Calendar. It’s the easiest way to keep track of them for me. I just set it on repeat and have it never end. We have the usual suspects – wedding anniversary and birthdays, but I also have the day we bought our house and the day we got our first car together. And then there are the other anniversaries. The ones that are connected to my pregnancy loss.

Two of those anniversaries happen this month. And this week, my calendar reminded me of one. The very first time I saw a positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy that ended in an early miscarriage. I remember where I was and what I felt as that small little square turned into a plus sign. I remember looking at it over and over again, just making sure I wasn’t seeing things.

After I had the miscarriage, so many women told me their own stories. These memories remind about how strong these women are. Most of them carry their stories silently for years. How isolating it can feel! I remember how this spurred me on to write more openly about my own experiences. I wanted to help others not feel alone and remind them that they are full of God-given worth and value.

All of this started in March of 2013, 6 years ago. I had no idea, staring at that little plus sign, just what was in store for me. Through every up and down, I’m so thankful for God, my family, and this community who have walked with me every step of the way.

Continuing the Conversation

I want to keep sharing other people’s stories or articles from around the internet this year, so here are three new posts to share.

How Infertility and Depression Made Me Reconsider My Parenting Dream

This is a beautiful, personal article about the reasons why Stephanie Auteri decided not having another child after dealing with over three years of infertility, an IUI, and finally having her little girl. Following the birth of her daughter, her depression became unmanageable without medication. It is well written and a reminder that we all have the right to respect for our family decisions.

Do you silently worry that your miscarriage was your fault?

Another really great post. I think every woman goes through this line of thinking after a miscarriage. I know I did. Some of the questions that this author listed were the same ones I asked myself. And it doesn’t help that there are so many different opinions on what a healthy pregnancy should look like (outside of the advice of my doctor, that is). This article has some good, helpful insight.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage: Why I Can’t Shake the Fear of Another Pregnancy Loss

Oh my goodness, this seems to be the week for articles to come out that hit so close to home. The first sentence of this article actually articulates the feelings I had at 8 months. And it was so much easier to write about it or do a video instead of talking about it in person. It’s why I didn’t have a baby shower before he was born. So, so good. Please read!

If you have never experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, I can guarantee there is someone in your life who has.  While the above stories may not be the same experiences for everyone, they can definitely open that window to more understanding and empathy for what everyone goes through.  And for those of you who are in the midst of these unknowns or losses, you are not alone.  May these words uplift and encourage you today.

Do you have any posts or articles that have touched you or compelled you to share?

3 Lessons I Learned From Change

I am not a big fan of change. Even good changes can stress me out. But change is inevitable in life. Change is growth. But my natural response to change is to either resist, avoid, or deny that it is even happening or try to control that change through organizing, planning, and scheduling.

In America, it is highly valued to be able to react quickly, think on your feet, and be flexible (meaning embracing change and moving on without problems). But I’ve come to realize that this is not one of my strengths. If anything change in my life has taught me three things.

I need processing time to organize my new normal. This may be a bit over-analytical, but every change, big or small, creates a slightly (or hugely) new normal. Whether it’s getting up or going to bed at a different time or sleeping in a new place. Whether it’s a new friendship or the fading of an old friendship. I realize that I need to take time to grieve what is changing and let it go to move into my new normal. Depending on what it is, that time could be a few minutes to a few months. But giving myself space and grace to process it really helps me in the long run.

I need to adjust my expectations. I have a tendency to think in extremes. But facing change, there is always a balance. I can acknowledge the hard parts without idealizing the good that may also come with change. I can also open my eyes to the blessings in the midst of storms. When I lost my daughters, I knew that I would be entering into a new normal without them here. Looking for the good in everyday moments reminded me that this new normal would not be all bad. I would get stronger. I would have days in the future that I would be able to remember them and honor them. And I also knew that I would have face down, fetal position, ugly crying moments as well. And that all of these moments were going to be a part of this new normal, a balance that I could completely embrace without shame or naivete.

I need to recognize that the next change is coming. Heraclitus, the pre-Socratic Greek philosopher, said: “Change is the only constant in life.” It’s really easy for me to get comfortable in my daily rhythms and routines. But remembering that change is going to happen again allows me to slow down and embrace today. Nothing that I’m experiencing today is forever. Just looking back through this blog, I see moments like saying goodbye to our Boxer or changing the flooring in our living room. Nothing really stays the same for very long. Plus, slowing down allows me to work in the processing time that I need. If I’ve filled my days with busyness, then I can get overwhelmed with unexpected change happens. So, I create margins ahead of time.

Slowing down and resisting the urge to fill up my calendar or try to be busy all the time is probably the biggest help for me when it comes to new changes in my life. To create that margin of rest and allow me to process and adjust. Of course, this is what has worked for me, what I’ve learned through the changes in my life. I don’t always react to change well, but each time is an opportunity for growth, so even if I completely mess up, I can walk away learning a little more about myself and the world around me.

Continuing the Conversation

I want to keep sharing other people’s stories or articles from around the internet this year, so here are three new posts to share.

New Book Explores the Unique Experience of Grieving Miscarriage as a Couple

Another book is coming out to help couples! The couple who wrote this particular book experienced both infertility and pregnancy loss, but also have four healthy boys, so their perspective is interesting. They are also Catholic so that plays into the book as well.

This particular article was written by a woman who experienced a miscarriage while her husband was out of town (and out of the country) on business. Such a good, honest article about the marital relationship around miscarriage.

What I Wish Others Knew About Secondary Infertility

Scary Mommy always has some pretty good articles about infertility and pregnancy loss. This one is Amira Posner’s journey having a child and then unexpectedly experiencing secondary infertility, IUDs and IVF. Great post.


From IVF to Miscarriages: 5 Ways We Can Talk About Infertility

This article was inspired by the recent book, Becoming, by Michelle Obama. It outlines ways that pregnancy loss and infertility need to become part of the open conversation and why. Really great article.

If you have never experienced pregnancy loss or infertility, I can guarantee there is someone in your life who has.  While the above stories may not be the same experiences for everyone, they can definitely open that window to more understanding and empathy for what everyone goes through.  And for those of you who are in the midst of these unknowns or losses, you are not alone.  May these words uplift and encourage you today.

Do you have any posts or articles that have touched you or compelled you to share?

You’re Not Late

Waiting sucks. According to the New York Times in 2012, Americans wait 37 billion hours in line each year. In a world that values the quick and immediate, waiting just seems to be something abnormal.

I never thought I would have to wait for children.

There were so many things to grieve when I lost my daughters. One of those things was the fact that I had to wait. After my first miscarriage, I had to wait three months before trying again. Then I had to wait to get pregnant. After my first daughter’s stillbirth, I had to wait six months, and then again to get pregnant. And after my second daughter’s stillbirth, it was another six months, and again even longer to get pregnant.

All the while, others were getting pregnant and having healthy babies. I watched as the kids who were born around the same time as my daughters grow up. And I was still in the waiting place.

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

I started asking myself if it was too late. Should I have started trying to have kids sooner? Should I be looking at other options? Was there anything I could do to speed up this process of waiting?

But now I realize that God’s timing was perfect. It’s always perfect. And he’s never late. Everything that has happened to me has given me an insight and an understanding that I didn’t have before. In the waiting place, I wasn’t in stasis. I wasn’t frozen. I was learning and growing into the person I am today. Into the mom I am today.

Asking the what-ifs feels moot to me. Pointless. Because I am here now. And one of the biggest lessons I learned in the waiting place was to look and listen to what God was calling me to do while I wait. To express my faith and trust in Him, even in the darkest moments. To reach out to others and encourage them.

Maybe your life isn’t where you thought it would be right now. Maybe you are in a season of waiting. But you are not too late. You are not behind. You don’t have to catch up. You are right where you are supposed to be. Just take the next step, the next breath, and listen to where God may be leading you. Believe me, it will be worth the wait.