Last month, instead of making a goals list for the year, I decided to embrace a particular word. This year’s word is anticipation. I shared a few things I was anticipating in January, so I wanted to do the same thing for February.
But first, I want to look back in January at a few of the things I shared. It wasn’t the slower, quieter rhythm I thought it would be. In fact, that very first full week was one of the busiest social ones I have had in a while. But as the month progressed, the rhythms did slow, mostly as a necessity to my anxiety.
And I did get into a rhythm of time with God each day, including some devotional time and prayer journal time. This has also been a necessity with my anxiety in this pregnancy.
We did have some cooler temps, but no snow. But there were definitely some cozy nights and comfort foods throughout the month.
Now, in the month of February, I am anticipating a few things as well.
- An elevated state of anxiety. Over the last few weeks, my anxiety has gotten higher and evolved with an addition of agoraphobic tendencies. These next few weeks, especially, are going to be hard, as they were the same weeks in my last pregnancy that my daughter passed away.
- A celebration of anniversaries. Valentine’s Day is this month. Surrounding this holiday are a few little anniversaries in our relationship – namely when we began dating and when we got engaged. It’s neat to reminisce about the beginnings of what would become our life together. I am very grateful to have this man in my life.
- A few bits of entertainment. This month, the Black Panther Marvel movie is coming out. I’ve been looking forward to seeing this since I saw the first trailer. But in addition to this, my book binging has continued. I’m finishing up a book right now, and I already have four books in my TBR (to be read) pile. Plus, a friend of mine has put me on to another author, so I have that to check out as well. I don’t suspect that I will finish all of these books this month, but a lot of reading in my future makes me smile.
Like every month, I suppose, this one will probably have ups and downs. I look forward to seeing how this month will unfold!
Something exciting happened this week that has helped my anxiety. This also has me thinking about how anxiety and my faith are related.
Nausea and Anxiety are gone for this week!
I completed a milestone in my pregnancy. I am out of that blasted first trimester. The landing into the second one has been a bit rocky. My stomach is still unsure and I feel like I’m tightrope walking between nausea and dry heaving at night right before bed, but I got a new medication that really does help with all of that.
But now, at 13 weeks, I’m entering the land of maternity clothes and ultrasounds, baby registering and gender reveals. And this is also the stage in my pregnancy where my daughter passed away. Things are different this time, but there are still some things that remain the same.
I’m having more ultrasounds done this time around. I’m being watched carefully, having more tests done. I find myself holding my breath every time they begin a test for the heartbeat or an ultrasound. I think it will be better when I feel the sure kicks from the baby, but until then, I just keep taking each day as it comes.
Weirdly enough, although not that weird at all, I find myself mourning my daughter more this month. With Mother’s Day, and entering into a new, yet familiar, phase of my pregnancy, my thoughts go back to my daughter all the time. Hope and anxiety blend and overlap every day.
I know a lot of you are praying for me, waiting in expectation for the arrival of this new little one. I’m so beyond grateful for all of you, walking this journey with me whether in person or from far away. I do feel your prayers. I appreciate the emails, texts, and comments. But I am even more grateful for the One who walks with me and goes before me. He knows what will happen and what I need and will need. While I am hesitant to fathom the end of the pregnancy with a healthy baby, I do believe that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side.
And I rest in that. I take courage in that. Even in the midst of my anxiety, that is a constant reminder. He loves me. He calls me worthy. And He will never forsake me.