Tag Archives: anxiety

DFS: Week 35 and Some Anxiety Rears Its Ugly Head

I know that I’ve been anxious through most of this pregnancy, but this week just seemed to hit a peak.  The place I struggle with it the most, which I mention a little bit in my video is putting this nursery together.  There are so many memories I have of working on registries and the nursery in my other pregnancies, and I think that kind of tipped the scale this week.  I can literally walk into the nursery, look at everything in there, and experience a complete creativity block having no idea what I want it to look like.  I know it will come together eventually, so I’m just taking it one step at a time.

Anticipating April

This has been quite a month, so let’s just jump into it.  First, a look back at March.

I’ve definitely learned a lot this month in my pregnancy.  I’ve learned more about vasa previa, funic presentation, fetal monitoring, and decelerations.  I even had a small trip to the hospital this past month, giving me a good peek into the process for my inevitable delivery.  I’m so thankful for the patient medical staff that has answered every one of my questions.

We did get the house projects accomplished that we planned.  I’m so grateful for this.  First, Michael got his shed built for his hobby.  And then, we finally replaced the floor downstairs and the carpets upstairs.  I’m sure we will have other projects yet to complete, but these were the ones we wanted to make sure were done before the baby was born.

And of course, we have enjoyed some amazing sunshine and warm weather this month as well.  Something I really appreciated especially after being confined to a hospital bed for 48 hours.  One of the first things I did when I got home was just stand in the sunshine.  (By the way, my herb kit is growing quite nicely, but I want to wait for a few more weeks for the sprouts to really grow.)

 

Now, onto the month of April!

anticipation

  • Nearing the end of my pregnancy.  Technically, my due date is in May (Mother’s Day to be exact) but if last month taught me anything, it was that this baby could come at any point in the coming weeks.  I’m hoping that I will get a strong end date soon from the doctors, who have been hesitant because they are balancing trying to keep the baby in as long as possible (which is really best for development) with knowing when the baby is saying he’s ready to come out.
  • Getting some good reading time.  Last month was a slow reading month for me.  Some of it had to do with the chaos, but some of it had to do with picking up this one book that so dry, it put me directly into a reading slump.  I’m getting back into the joy of reading, having put that book down for the moment, but I’m hoping that I will finish some books that I started before the baby comes.
  • Organizing Projects.  I still have a few places in the house that need to be put back together after the flooring project was complete.  And we have a few things that we absolutely must purchase before the baby is born.  And I need to get a registry together for those people who have asked about a baby shower because eventually after the baby is born, we do plan on having a “sip and see” at some point (as I mentioned in my week 18 pregnancy update).  I have a lot of people who have asked me about that, so I just wanted to mention that here as well.

I’ve been hesitant, honestly, to do a registry since that was something we did before we lost both of our girls, and even though everything is going really well with this pregnancy, it’s hard to go there just yet.  That being said, that hospital visit definitely lit a fire under me in a lot of ways.  I thought I was nesting before

I can’t believe it’s already April.  I also can’t believe I’m still pregnant, and I am so grateful that I have such an active baby to tell me that everything is still going well in there.  This has been an absolute ride, and I won’t lie.  I’m nervous.  And slightly stressed.  And cautiously excited.

Anticipating March

Returning to my theme word of the year, anticipation, I thought I would take a look back over the month of February and look ahead into the month of March.

In February, I definitely continue to deal with an elevated sense of anxiety, although I have to say that routine and support have been helpful with this particular issue.  I am so grateful for the overwhelming love and care I received from my community, both here in Dallas and online.  I cannot thank you enough for the understanding and judgment-free zone you have provided over the course of this last month.

I did enjoy some good entertainment this month.  The Black Panther movie did not disappoint.  And while I did manage to knock a few more books off of my TBR list, I also added more, and have more coming in this month as well.  I realize that my reading will probably take a nose dive after the baby is born so I will try to soak up as much as I can this month.

And, yes, we did manage to squeeze in some celebration time for our relationship anniversaries this year.  I didn’t write much about this experience, but we definitely managed to keep our tradition of getting blizzards at Dairy Queen!  It was nice to look back on our road together with some happy nostalgia.

Now, onto the month of March!

anticipation

  • Moving along in my pregnancy.  This month is completely unknown territory to me.  My last pregnancy ended after 7 months, but we are working on the 8th month of pregnancy in March.  It’s kind of odd to already have experience in labor and delivery, but have no idea what happens after 30 weeks.  Hopefully, I will be learning a lot and be leaning on God through it all.
  • Warmer weather and sunshine.  Usually, in March, I start to plan and plant my garden for the year by picking out the vegetables, flowers, and herbs that I will grow in my outdoor garden.  This year, I will probably delay this until the summer or have a late fall garden (although, I may wait until next year, altogether.  At least, I have my indoor mint herb kit).  Instead, though, I do hope to spend some time outside, enjoying the warmer weather, maybe bringing a book or two and a blanket.
  • House Projects.  Instead of a garden focus this year, we will be doing a lot of house projects.  Chalk it up to nesting or whatever, but Michael and I decided that we are going to try to knock out as many of these to-dos on our list as possible this month.  We already have some set in motion, and still, have to make final decisions on others.  But I’m hoping that it will all be accomplished before our new arrival this Spring.

You guys, this month’s secondary theme is unknown territory.  I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot in my videos, but it’s true.  I am cautiously anticipating this month for sure!

Anticipating February

Last month, instead of making a goals list for the year, I decided to embrace a particular word.  This year’s word is anticipation.  I shared a few things I was anticipating in January, so I wanted to do the same thing for February.

But first, I want to look back in January at a few of the things I shared.  It wasn’t the slower, quieter rhythm I thought it would be.  In fact, that very first full week was one of the busiest social ones I have had in a while.  But as the month progressed, the rhythms did slow, mostly as a necessity to my anxiety.

And I did get into a rhythm of time with God each day, including some devotional time and prayer journal time.  This has also been a necessity with my anxiety in this pregnancy.

We did have some cooler temps, but no snow.  But there were definitely some cozy nights and comfort foods throughout the month.

Now, in the month of February, I am anticipating a few things as well.

anticipation

  • An elevated state of anxiety.  Over the last few weeks, my anxiety has gotten higher and evolved with an addition of agoraphobic tendencies.  These next few weeks, especially, are going to be hard, as they were the same weeks in my last pregnancy that my daughter passed away.
  • A celebration of anniversaries.  Valentine’s Day is this month.  Surrounding this holiday are a few little anniversaries in our relationship – namely when we began dating and when we got engaged.  It’s neat to reminisce about the beginnings of what would become our life together.  I am very grateful to have this man in my life.
  • A few bits of entertainment.  This month, the Black Panther Marvel movie is coming out.  I’ve been looking forward to seeing this since I saw the first trailer.  But in addition to this, my book binging has continued.  I’m finishing up a book right now, and I already have four books in my TBR (to be read) pile.  Plus, a friend of mine has put me on to another author, so I have that to check out as well.  I don’t suspect that I will finish all of these books this month, but a lot of reading in my future makes me smile.

Like every month, I suppose, this one will probably have ups and downs.  I look forward to seeing how this month will unfold!

A Little Update

I completed a milestone in my pregnancy.  I am out of that blasted first trimester.  The landing into the second one has been a bit rocky.  My stomach is still unsure and I feel like I’m tightrope walking between nausea and dry heaving at night right before bed, but I got a new medication that really does help with all of that.

But now, at 13 weeks, I’m entering the land of maternity clothes and ultrasounds, baby registering and gender reveals.  And this is also the stage in my pregnancy where my daughter passed away.  Things are different this time, but there are still some things that remain the same.

I’m having more ultrasounds done this time around.  I’m being watched carefully, having more tests done.  I find myself holding my breath every time they begin a test for the heartbeat or an ultrasound.  I think it will be better when I feel the sure kicks from the baby, but until then, I just keep taking each day as it comes.

Weirdly enough, although not that weird at all, I find myself mourning my daughter more this month.  With Mother’s Day, and entering into a new, yet familiar, phase of my pregnancy, my thoughts go back to my daughter all the time.  Hope and anxiety blend and overlap every day.

I know a lot of you are praying for me, waiting in expectation for the arrival of this new little one.  I’m so beyond grateful for all of you, walking this journey with me whether in person or from far away.  I do feel your prayers.  I appreciate the emails, texts, and comments.  But I am even more grateful for the One who walks with me and goes before me.  He knows what will happen and what I need and will need.  While I am hesitant to fathom the end of the pregnancy with a healthy baby, I do believe that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side.

And I rest in that.  I take courage in that.  Even in the midst of my anxiety, that is a constant reminder.  He loves me.  He calls me worthy.  And He will never forsake me.