Tag Archives: God’s voice

Today

Today is my due date.  Was my due date.  Today was supposed to be met with excitement, nervousness and anticipation, but instead it’s met with reminders of my grief, loss and empty womb.  Though I thought my world was going to stop today, the sun still came up, people are still on the roads going to work, time still moves on.

I have learned a lot of lessons in these last four months since I lost my daughter.  I learned that I have an amazing protector and caretaker of my heart that is my husband.  We have learned new facets of our marriage relationship when it comes to crisis.  He has given me space and support when I need it.

I learned that I am truly blessed with the friends and family surrounding me.  Sunday night, my small group surrounded us in prayer as we faced this day.  I still receive cards in the mail from family members who are praying for us.  I have friends who still check in, still want to know how I am doing and what they can do to help.  I have the support of my online community who continually encourage me with every post that I write.  I know not all women who go through things like this have such an amazing support system, which is why I continuously acknowledge them and show my gratitude.

But there are other lessons I have learned that have been a lot harder to swallow.

I learned to let go in my grief.  One of my first reactions when I lost my daughter was to hold on to everything else around me very tightly. I was so scared of losing anything else.  It’s because I was faced with the fact that everything on this earth is temporary, and we aren’t guaranteed any of it, even motherhood.  But I realized that holding on tightly to temporal things was like trying to hold sand in my hands, eventually it will fall through my fingers.  Instead of trying to hold on to everything in my life like a hoarder, I needed to be okay with letting it all go and being grateful for what is given to me in the moment.

I learned to become more grateful for the moments in my life.  When I had my first miscarriage in 2013, I promised myself that if I got pregnant again, I would appreciate every moment of that pregnancy because I may wake up one day and not be pregnant anymore.  Little did I know that it would come true.  However, I appreciated every day that I was pregnant, every moment of morning sickness, every little kick, every feeling of uncomfortable growth.  When I had to give her back to God, I still grieved my loss, but I appreciated all those moments, and so my grief is interwoven with hope and peace.

I also learned that though this pregnancy came to an end, my purpose did not.  Though I desire motherhood, I desire to glorify God more.  I believe my ultimate purpose on this earth is to glorify God in my high points and especially my low points.  I may not understand all the whys that life will bring me, but what I do understand is that this world has been hurting long before I did, and understanding that pain on such a personal level has given me a compassion and a longing to reach out to those who don’t know this peace, so that one day they may feel the comfort for themselves.  I have discovered that I don’t need to go across oceans or to locations of extreme poverty to carry out this purpose (although I know some are called to do so, and I support their calling as well).  God has called me to speak his truth into the hearts of the people around me, in my own backyard.  I believe God put me in this place, with these specific experiences, so that I may reach out with compassion, kindness, understanding and truth.  Jesus lived in the moment, ever present in his relationship with God and others, and I hope to do the same in my own life.

Through all of this, God has never forsaken me.  My life didn’t stop on November 26th, and it doesn’t stop today.  It continues and grows stronger with new hope.  Someday, I hope to become a mother.  I long for the day I cradle my own child in my arms.  But my life is not on hold until then.  I still have work to do every day, a life purpose to carry out.  No matter what happens in my life, that purpose will not change.  One day, I will meet my sweet little girl in heaven, but until then, I am going to let go in my grief and hold on to my gratitude in the moment, sharing that truth of God’s comfort and peace to those around me every day.

A Word of Encouragement

Dealing with the wait to have children and the disappointment of miscarriages happen throughout the year.  It is a constant reminder every time a commercial for diapers comes on, whenever I hear a baby cry or even particular episodes of TV shows.  As I get older, the cultural conversation of families becomes more and more frequent, whether I have kids or not.

Something that has been really encouraging to me is to read about the women of the Bible who dealt with similar things I am going through.  It shows me how much God has a heart for women, considering the number of stories written especially about this struggle.  I thought, as an encouragement, I would share these stories from my perspective and what I have learned from them.

First on this list is Sarah, Abraham’s wife.  She was older, beyond child-bearing years (which I can’t help but think of the times people have told me that it’s harder for me to have children the older I get.  I’m sure Sarah got a lot of that.).  She laughed when it was prophesied, and then tried to control the situation by convincing Abraham that Hagar was the solution.  As a fellow control freak, I understand my own voice wanting to silence the voice of God.  Trusting him in the quiet moments of waiting can be quite deafening.  Yet, still, even though she makes mistakes, God made her the mother of many nations.  It gives me peace that God has got a purpose for me, and he’s not going to back down on his promise.

Second, we have Rachel.  Now, Rachel was the favorite for Jacob.  He worked for 14 years so he could marry her.  He married her sister first, and when Leah started having children, and Rachel did not, can you imagine the pressure?  I can only imagine the whispers and pain Rachel had to live through each day, wondering to herself what was wrong with her, what she could have done better, and what she was being punished for (because the same thoughts cross my mind).  Then, when she did get pregnant, her second pregnancy was so difficult that it ended in her death.  Of course, her first son ends up saving their entire family in a famine, through the guidance of God in his life.  Her story gives me peace that whatever my family story will be, God will be there to guide that family.

A third is Hannah.  Hannah is my favorite.  She was a favorite of her husband Elkanah and didn’t get along so well with the other wife who was able to have children (which seems to be a running theme in these stories).  Though we don’t hear that seemingly drunk-on-grief prayer in 1 Samuel, we do get to hear the promise and the praise.  True to her word, she gives her firstborn son to the temple to be raised once he was weaned.  The prayer of praise in 1 Samuel 2 is one of my favorite passages which comes after she leaves Samuel at the temple.  She even goes on to have more children.  Her story encourages me to put God first always, to trust in his plans and purpose for me, and to stay in continuous praise in my relationship with Him.

Finally, there is Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist.  There isn’t much about her struggle in the book of Luke, just that she and Zechariah were older, like Sarah and Abraham.  When it was time to have the baby, all the neighbors and relatives came over.  Everyone wanted to name him after a relative, just as tradition had dictated (how many traditions are pressured by society and family now?  Hmmm).  She insisted on John, and after the mute Zechariah wrote out the same, he began to speak, actually making everyone else quiet.  I learn from Elizabeth, that even when my opportunity comes, I want to make sure that I hear the voice of God over the voice of society, to do what is best for my family and not just what is expected.

I hope that this encourages you whether you have children, want children, or don’t want children.  These stories are not just about having babies.  These are stories of women who were following the voice of God in their lives. Wherever you are in life, don’t give up!  Whatever pains or pressure you are feeling, don’t be disheartened!  Just like the wonderful women in these stories, God had a purpose and plan for me and for you.