Tag Archives: journey

A Typical Day

My friends are amazing.  They are so supportive and aware of my struggle with starting a family.  I know I’m pretty open about it because I feel like God has put it on my heart to share.  I’m so happy that other, more public figures, are sharing these things as well.  It happens so much more often than even I realize.  Keeping that conversation going is therapeutic for me, and it helps others to be even more aware of how to support those of us living through it.

So in today’s post, I’m going to share a typical day of dealing with my struggle.  This is a compilation day, so not everything in this day happens all at once but some or most of it does.  So, here we go.

I wake up in the morning and get my period, confirmation that I am, yet again, not pregnant.  I turn on the TV for weather and traffic and they have a news segment about parenthood or new moms or how to get your kids motivated.  Then, I get in the car and on the radio, one of the DJs of the morning talk show is expecting their first kid any day now.

I check my social media at lunch and there is usually at least one or two announcements or pregnancy updates or baby pictures on Instagram or Facebook.  But most of the feed (especially on Instagram) consists of dogs and planners, so it’s not too much of a bombardment.

On the ride home from work, the radio plays some trigger songs, songs that are about being a parent or songs that connect me to those memories of losing my daughter.

And because two years ago I signed up on a baby website when I was pregnant, I get a box of free formula in the mail or advertisements from local photographers about my baby’s first year pictures, and it hits me that next month my baby would have been one.

And I turn on my favorite TV show, and one of the characters is now pregnant and I change the channel to find a safer rerun of another show.

Then, I go out with friends that evening and they are all talking about their day and their kids and their frustrations with their kids, and “how adorable is my new baby/niece/nephew/grandchild” and they show their pictures to the group.  And I smile, but I’m tired, and I’m trying so hard not to make this awkward that I zone out on my phone.  But they are just so excited, and I should be excited too, and why can’t I be excited too.

It’s the culture I am in.  I fully recognize that I am the outlier in these situations.  And there are others like me, but it feels like we are all ticking time bombs that will soon become pregnant and leave the rest of us behind (secretly hoping that I’m the next one to go, but still holding on to guilt that I will leave others behind).

I can’t talk for others going through this because it hits all of us different, but I ask that you be patient with me.  And that you pray for me.  And thank you for letting me grieve when I need to, even if it’s just a random Tuesday and not an anniversary of anything.

The greatest thing that has come from this is learning to live in the moment with God, to allow his peace and grace to wash over me.  And to know that none of this is what gives me worth, only that I am His daughter, a child of the Most High.  And that truth is what bonds us all together, what makes us all a family.  I feel like even though we don’t have any children yet, our family continues to grow.  You all have become a part of my village and I thank you so much for walking this journey with me.

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Legacy

I’ve been getting a lot of wonderful feedback from my posts.  To say that it’s overwhelming, well, it would be an understatement.  I don’t know how to take all these compliments gracefully in the moment.  I never really know what to say.

It’s not the fact that I’m at a loss for words, but more so that I have too many words to say in that moment.  So, I thought I would take a minute to say those words (and perhaps take the easy way out the next time someone says something to me, and just refer them to this post).

The entire reason that I am able to say the things that I say, to react to my circumstances as gracefully as I can, to show the perspective of life that I have, is because of the legacy that has been given to me by God through the men and women in my life.

It starts, of course, with my parents.  I remember all throughout my childhood, around bedtime, I would see my dad pouring over his Bible with the black leather cover.  I remember the conversations I would have with my mom about life, and how God always seemed to be in the center of each of those conversations.  My dad taught me to stand up for what I believe in, and to build those beliefs on a foundation of knowledge and understanding in God.  My mom taught me to always look for the God connection in my relationships with other people, and know that I’m representing Christ in my words and actions.  My parents gave up their free time to support the church and do mission work in India, Panama, and for several years in Jamaica.  They taught me the importance of spreading the gospel.

There’s my extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great grandparents who have God as the center of their lives.  Their example has inspired me to always keep God in the forefront of my life and to believe in the power of prayer.

Then, there was the first church family that I can remember – Hickory Knoll Church of Christ.  I still to this day consider those people as part of my family.  I learned from them about love and acceptance, trust and obedience.  I fell in love with hymns in that church.  I learned about the Bible, memorizing the books and verses.  When I went back for a visit on our first anniversary, it felt like I had never left.  I am so proud of that church and everything it signifies in its community.  They truly taught me what it means to be part of a church family.

Of course, there were other churches that helped me along my spiritual path – Macland Road, Burnt Hickory, Downtown, Highway.  Of course, when Michael and I moved here and we became a part of Greenville Oaks.  That’s when I received a lot more clarity on my life as it relates to the Kingdom.  I learned that I was placing my value and security in things that are temporary, and started on a path to begin placing my value and security in the permanence of God.  It affects every part of my life – how I am as a wife, daughter, friend, woman, blogger, and Christian.

So, when you read the words on my blog, know that they are mere echoes of the legacy of people throughout my life that have brought me to this point.  It doesn’t feel right to take the credit for what all these others have done for me.  So, I just want to say thank you.  Without your love, acceptance and guidance, I would not be where I am.  I know that God has worked through each one of you to help me along this journey.  I praise and thank God every time I think of you.  You are all such incredible blessings to me.