Tag Archives: My Faith

The Way to Pentecost: Appearing to the Eleven

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So much happened that first day, the day of resurrection. Mary Magdalene sees Jesus and tells the disciples that he has risen. Cleopas and his friend meet Jesus on the way to dinner outside of Jerusalem. It says in Luke that as soon as they realized that it was Jesus, they got up immediately and headed back to Jerusalem.

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Luke says it was specifically the Eleven apostles, while John just mentions disciples. But John includes that the room they where they gathered had been locked because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. That morning, at least some if not all had been present when the women claimed an empty tomb. And they were there when Peter and John returned to confirm it true. And now, two people are claiming to have actually eaten with Jesus outside of Jerusalem.

As all of this is happening, we know that the Jewish leaders are already scheming with the guards to spread the narrative that the Jesus’ followers had stolen the body. They didn’t have the body, but that couldn’t actually disprove the rumor.

And in the middle of all this fear, confusion, and grief, Jesus shows up. Even through locked doors, Jesus appears. He shows his hands and feet and invites them to touch him. He asks for something to eat, to prove his humanity, that he wasn’t just an apparition.

The grief and sorrow that had turned into fear and uncertainty finally ended that evening in joy and amazement. In Luke, he tells them to stay in the city until they were clothed with power on high, while John says that he breathed the Holy Spirit into them right then. And what ability did this Holy Spirit give them?

‘and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.’

Luke 24:47

“If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

John 20:23

Out of everything Jesus did, everything his disciples witnessed, Jesus wanted them to teach forgiveness. Forgiveness was their new super power.

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It reminds me of the story of the lame man in Luke 5:17-26. His friends lowered him through the roof to get to Jesus, and when Jesus saw this man, his first words were, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.” The religious leaders and teachers took offense, but Jesus proved that not only could he forgive, but he also healed the man right there.

At times, we get really bogged down with doing it right, saying the right things, following scripture the right way. But here, both in Luke and John, the first responsibility the disciples were given was to forgive sins. It’s creating space for growth in both ourselves and others.

Forgiveness is hard to practice. Tyler Perry is quoted, “It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” You have to let go of the right to be hurt, and give God the seat of justice.

I know that people have used the term forgiveness to withhold justice as well. To allow abusers to continue their abuse without consequence, to hide behind titles and wealth that allow them to do whatever they desire. When we don’t see the justice we desperately desire, it’s hard to continue trusting in God.

I don’t have an easy answer for why God allows bad things to happen and seemingly doesn’t dole out the justice that is deserved. But for me, forgiveness has been a way for me to let go of how trauma defined who I was and embrace the new creation God has in me. To know that God is still moving and working within all of us, for both healing and justice.

Forgiveness is a super power. And while some may try to abuse this power, I know that it is meant to be used for good. To create space for growth and healing, so that we can all experience the goodness of God and the power of Christ. Even those who may doubt.

The Way to Pentecost: The Road to Emmaus

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This story is out of the book of Luke, although Mark briefly mentions a similar story (probably the same one) where two men are walking on a road and Jesus appears to them in a different form. But Luke writes that they were headed to a village called Emmaus that was seven miles from Jerusalem.

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So let’s picture the story. Emmaus means hot springs, which makes me think about Hot Springs, AR, a vacation spot with a hot spring that people believe gives health, even medicinal, benefits. In the same way, this village probably had a hot spring or fountain that was renowned for its medicinal benefits.

Of the two companions, only one of them is named in verse 18, Cleopas. This is the only time that this specific name is mentioned in the gospels, although in John one of the women named Mary at the cross was mentioned as the wife of Clopas. Some commentaries connect the two, but others say they were two different men. Regardless, they did know the women who went to the empty tomb. In fact, they were there when the women came to the disciples that morning to announce the risen Christ.

We don’t know why they were going to Emmaus. Maybe they were going to visit someone they knew, or they were just going to get dinner, maybe getting out of Jerusalem which had become quite a dangerous place for a follower of Jesus. We don’t know why they were on that road, but we know what they were doing. And as they walked towards their destination, they were discussing everything that had happened.

And it’s at this point, Jesus enters into the picture. They don’t recognize him, maybe because of a supernatural kind of disguise or maybe just because they weren’t expecting Jesus to appear at that moment. But Jesus immediately enters into their conversation. This is where we learned that they were with the apostles, at least Peter and John because of the story they recount. But they ended their tale with some serious doubt.

Jesus then takes over the narrative, beginning with “Moses and all the Prophets” and details all the ways he has fulfilled scripture, still without revealing that it is actually him. He makes such an impression on these two companions, that they urge him to stay the night in Emmaus and have dinner with them. And at first, Jesus was going to just keep on traveling.

There is a point in this story when Jesus could have just kept on going, that these two travelers might have never known who they were talking to. But the kindness, inclusion, and hospitality they showed him caused him to stay. And it was then, at the dinner table, that he reveals himself to them as he breaks the bread. Then disappears from their sight.

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When I was going through my periods of pregnancy loss, I didn’t have much control over the narrative. But the one thing I asked of God was that I see him in the details. And every time, he revealed himself through the medical staff, nature, and other experiences. Sometimes the only thing I really need in those dark moments was to know that I’m not alone. That hope is coming.

I can’t imagine the amount of grief and fear these two companions had at this point. Their teacher died only a few days before. Now, his body went missing. And the women who went to the tomb are spouting this absolutely insane story about a resurrection. While the chief priests and guards are claiming that his followers took the body. But they didn’t have a body. Would they still be held responsible?

Yet in this moment of uncertainty, Jesus walked with them. He reminded them of all the things that came before, how scriptures were fulfilled while he was alive, and how scripture was being fulfilled once again. Jesus never leaves us. He is present in our lives reminding us in times of uncertainty that he is there and that he will continue to be there.

Mark also mentions this encounter, though it’s only two sentences long. When they returned to Jerusalem, they shared their story but no one believed them. But soon, Jesus would reveal himself to all of them. Soon, everything would be made clear.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Stillbirth 2014

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This is the third part of the story of my first stillbirth in November 2014. The First and Second parts are linked in this sentence, but this was probably the most comprehensive and cohesive post of the three.

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Miscarriage 2013

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This post was written on April 26, 2013, after I found out that there was no heartbeat in my first pregnancy, before I actually had the miscarriage. I wrote this blog because I felt like I had told so many people that I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to have to go back and tell them all that I wasn’t anymore.

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A Little Update

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I completed a milestone in my pregnancy.  I am out of that blasted first trimester.  The landing into the second one has been a bit rocky.  My stomach is still unsure and I feel like I’m tightrope walking between nausea and dry heaving at night right before bed, but I got a new medication that really does help with all of that.

But now, at 13 weeks, I’m entering the land of maternity clothes and ultrasounds, baby registering and gender reveals.  And this is also the stage in my pregnancy where my daughter passed away.  Things are different this time, but there are still some things that remain the same.

I’m having more ultrasounds done this time around.  I’m being watched carefully, having more tests done.  I find myself holding my breath every time they begin a test for the heartbeat or an ultrasound.  I think it will be better when I feel the sure kicks from the baby, but until then, I just keep taking each day as it comes.

Weirdly enough, although not that weird at all, I find myself mourning my daughter more this month.  With Mother’s Day, and entering into a new, yet familiar, phase of my pregnancy, my thoughts go back to my daughter all the time.  Hope and anxiety blend and overlap every day.

I know a lot of you are praying for me, waiting in expectation for the arrival of this new little one.  I’m so beyond grateful for all of you, walking this journey with me whether in person or from far away.  I do feel your prayers.  I appreciate the emails, texts, and comments.  But I am even more grateful for the One who walks with me and goes before me.  He knows what will happen and what I need and will need.  While I am hesitant to fathom the end of the pregnancy with a healthy baby, I do believe that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side.

And I rest in that.  I take courage in that.  Even in the midst of my anxiety, that is a constant reminder.  He loves me.  He calls me worthy.  And He will never forsake me.

A Thought To Ponder

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When I meet someone new, the inevitable question is “do you have kids?” which would make sense in my surrounding culture.  I’ve been married now for almost 8 years.  I’m pretty upfront with my miscarriages, and it leads to great conversation most of the time.  But at some point, usually towards the end of the conversation, I get the statement “Well, you are going to be a great mom someday,” or something to that effect.

And then I slightly cringe inside.

Now, before I go on, I want to make it clear that my reaction has nothing to do with whether or not I believe God will give me children someday.  I know that the comment is meant to encourage faith, but I think that it can send the wrong message.

Because who I am right now is pretty great.  I volunteer.  I work with a great mission organization who supports spreading the Kingdom of God within relationships.  My husband tells me I’m a pretty awesome wife.  And my friends tell me I’m a pretty great friend as well.

But even if I wasn’t those things, I am for certain one incredibly awesome thing.  I am a daughter to the Most High King.  I am a beloved creation of God.  And that gives me more value than anything I have been, will be or am today.

I don’t think that message is communicated enough.  And it goes for any life stage.  If you are in high school, you have to be thinking about college.  If you are in college, it’s all about your career.  If you are single, it’s about getting married.  If you are married, it’s about having kids.  If you have kids, then it’s all about your kids and whatever stage they should be at, or how they should be behaving.  The cycle begins again.

You don’t have to prove the worth you already have.  God has a purpose for your life right now.  The things you are going through, experiencing or even missing, all of it can be used by God through you to further the Kingdom.  And your worth isn’t wrapped up in what you do but in who you are.  You are a beloved creation, a child of the Most High King.  You are loved.  You have value.  And you are enough, right where you are.

A Safe Place

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Whenever we have a thunderstorm at night, our boxer mix, Loco, sits up on our bed, stares down at us and shakes until we wake up.  He doesn’t calm down until my husband takes him into our master closet, a room with no windows.  It’s his safe place.

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We also have safe places that we want to go to when things get really stressful.  When I’m feeling stressed, I like to organize my house.  Just cleaning off my desk somehow makes me feel secure when I feel overwhelmed.

What’s funny about Loco being in the master closet is that the closet isn’t really that much safer than our bedroom.  But either way, we don’t leave him alone in his moment of fear.  Michael will lay on the floor with him in the closet for the rest of the night if he needs to.

In the same way, even when I’m looking for security in other things, God is standing beside me.  He doesn’t leave me alone in my moment of fear.  He waits with me, through every minute if he has to.

Sometimes I use that thing that I think will give me security to try to prevent storms.  I have turned to my schedules and plans to try to create outcomes that I have absolutely no control over.  Like trying to get pregnant, or trying to avoid making mistakes at work, or trying to have a perfect marriage.  I do every ritual I can think of to stop the storms from coming.  But they come anyway.

That’s when I realized that organization isn’t my safe place.  God is.  It’s not family, friends, husband, home, job or hobbies that can ultimately protect me from my pain and suffering.  Only God can fully heal my hurts.  Thankfully, he’s patient with me when I forget and long to be in control once again, using tools that will break on me every time.

But sometimes, when I finally remember that God’s love is my true safe place.  And I let him take the lead.  Something really amazing happens.  He doesn’t just walk with me in the storm, but together, we dance in the rain.

What is a safe place that you tend to go to when things get rough?

A Moment in Sadness

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I am a pretty upbeat person.  I love laughing.  I love encouraging other people along their journeys.  I love to see the brightness in life, even in some of the stormiest moments.

However, this past week was rough.  We got confirmation that I wasn’t pregnant.  We had to say goodbye to our foster puppy who was adopted.  There were just a lot of little things that added up to a pretty stinky week.

And I’ve felt guilty about it.  I like the idea that people see me as a positive light, a smile when they feel down.  I like being that person that people know will cheer them up.  To have a storm cloud above doesn’t seem to fit into this persona I’ve grown attached to, and I’ve been doing the best I can to try to shake these feelings away.

But I’m having a difficulty shaking it off.  However, shaking it off might not be the answer.

Instead, I realized yesterday that it’s not a sin to be sad.  It’s uncomfortable, for sure.  It’s a place we don’t like to stay in.  But it’s not wrong or selfish to be frustrated.  It’s what we do in the depth of that sadness that makes the difference.

I was thinking about this in one of the best thinking places, the shower.  I get the greatest epiphanies there.  I was thinking about how Jesus was sad – at Lazarus’s death, in the Garden of Gethsemane.  And then I realized something else.

No one was attracted to Jesus because he was perfect.  They were attracted to Jesus because he didn’t require anyone else to be perfect in order to be in relationship with him.  No one followed Jesus because he was perky or positive all the time.  They followed him because he spoke truth into the lives of those around him.

It’s okay for me to be sad.  It’s important to share these kinds of feeling with others, because it’s okay for others to be sad too.  It’s okay for me to be frustrated with today, because it doesn’t change the faith I have in tomorrow.

Solomon was right.  There is a time to rejoice, and there is a time to mourn.  It’s what helps me get through these low points.  I can dive deep in sadness because I know that eventually I will surface again, holding the hand of the Heavenly Father.  The One who sees me through both the shadows and the sunlight.

The Recipe for an Authentic Relationship

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We live in a society where there is this odd pressure to perform, to be “on” all the time.  It’s hard with social media using edited snapshots of our lives as the effort to connect to other people.  It makes it easy to hold people at a distance, and for them to hold you at a distance as well.  It feels like the more “connected” I am, the more lonely I get.

So, I want to share the four steps I tend to use when pursuing an authentic relationship.  And you don’t have to use them, but if you are feeling frustrated in this culture in finding close relationships, perhaps this will help.

1. Be the kind of Authentic Friend that you want to have.  Typically, if you live life surrounded by passions that truly move you, you will find like-minded people in that same field.  But it’s not just about interests.  It’s also about the level or depth of authenticity I want to have.  If I want to be around non-judgmental, “here’s all the dirt” kind of friends, then I have to be that kind of person.  If I want to be accepted where I am in the journey, then I need to accept others where they are on their journey.  And make sure you are the same person wherever you go.  You never know where those interactions may lead or who is listening, because you might be missing out on those friendships you desperately want.

2. Be intentional about the relationship.  When you get to know a person long enough, and realize that you want to have that open, authentic friendship with them, tell them.  Have those awkward conversations.  In the past, I’ve ideally thought that just spending a lot of time with people, or telling them a deep secret, will communicate the intentions of a deeper friendship.  But I find that a deeper friendship truly develops when I lay all the cards on the table and say, “Look, I really like hanging out with you, and I want to have the kind of friendship with you where we share all the skeletons, secrets and struggles, and we react with encouragement, support, and acceptance.”

It doesn’t always have to be that deep though.  It could be as simple as, “I’m wondering if we could hang out at lunch every Monday and just spend time together, get to know each other more.”  I find that laying out the expectations helps the friendship more than vague games of will they, won’t they be a real friend.

3. Accept rejection for what it is.  It is hard to put everything out there only to be shut down in the end.  However, that rejection is so much more honest than dancing around the relationship until someone stops returning the other one’s calls.  Sometimes the rejection may just be bad timing.  One person may just have a lot on their plate, or is going through a transition, or just simply needs to work on internal issues before accepting that request.  Authentic relationships are vulnerable and require work from both people involved.  It’s hard to really open up when you feel swallowed by life in general.

And it’s just as important to be honest in rejecting others, too.  I’m sometimes afraid to say no because I don’t want to hurt the other person or be left out of something in the future.  However, it’s important to communicate where you stand as it is to know where they stand as well.

4. And of course, bring God into the relationship. I would put this at number one, but really, it fits into all three of the above steps.  We learn to be authentic from our God who is the author of authenticity.  We are intentional because he showed us intentionality in his pursuit of us.  He handles rejection pretty much on a daily basis, and can be there for us when we go through our own rejection.

Friendships are messy, whether on the playground, at our jobs, or in our communities.  But authentic relationships are another way God is glorified in how he works through brokenness to restore us.  And those relationships can help us continue the journey together, living life in the Kingdom.

My Journey with Jealousy

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Over the past month, I’ve been on a journey with jealousy.  Now, I have dealt with jealousy throughout my entire life.  Sometimes it’s been overwhelming.  Other times, it’s been a brief, passing thought.  But last month, I got that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach when I start to get jealous, and frankly I was tired of it.  I want it to stop.

Jealousy is the beginning of an unhealthy path for me.  It starts with wanting something someone else has, whether it’s a material thing, an experience, or an accomplishment.  It leads to a desire to invalidate that person (embracing a judgmental spirit) or try to one up them in some way (embracing a competitive spirit).  And once I’ve acted on that desire, whether in conversation with other people, or even just in my own head, I’ve altered that relationship in an unhealthy way.

I know this is not what God calls me to do.  God calls me to be in healthy relationship with others.  I realized that this judgmental or competitive spirit was only personifying the entitled pride I had lodged in my heart.  For the last couple of years, I’ve turned inward to try to fix myself.  I looked to the internet, people in my life, and books to find that magic cure for the insecurity and jealousy in my life, but the reality is that I was doing this self reflection without including God.

Then, this past week, I was led to a verse that made my whole journey with jealousy become clear.  In John 21, Jesus is telling Peter the path Peter will take, even predicting the “death by which Peter would glorify God”.  And right after that, Peter turns to see John and asks Jesus what will happen to John.  In verse 22, Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?  You must follow me.”

If that girl on Facebook announces her pregnancy, what is that to me?  I must follow Him.  If that Instagram picture pops up of yet another perfect looking family outing, what is that to me?  I must follow Him.  If someone buys a new house, new car, if they go on expensive trips or give all their time to the homeless, what is that to me?  I must follow Him.

I decided to try something to help remind me of this bigger picture.  Whenever I see good things or bad things happening in my life or the lives of people around me, instead of trying to figure out how they connect to me (and ultimately lead me, at times, down a path of jealousy), I want to see how these thing connect to the story of God.

So, before I go on social media, or head into an interaction in person or on the phone or through text, I will intentionally stop and pray that God guide my heart and eyes to what I will witness in that interaction.  When I do find out news, good or bad, I will write down (either physically or mentally) three things I see God doing in that person’s life.  When I feel that pit-of-my-stomach jealousy coming, I will add two more things to the list.  Then, I will pray for guidance from God on any further steps I need to take (like share a word of encouragement or support to that person).  And then let that jealousy go, embracing that I am a broken person redeemed by Jesus.

This is a tough one for me.  I know I will fail at times and forget, but I want to keep trying.  I’m so thankful for the grace that God extends all of us.  And I am so thankful that each of you are walking this journey with me.