Tag Archives: pregnancy and infant loss

Be Kind but Don’t Rewind

10 points to your house if you get the above reference (and 20 points if you get that and the second reference I just made).

Even though we have a beautiful, healthy baby boy in our home now, pregnancy loss is still prevalent in everyday interactions. People still ask questions that are pretty socially acceptable even if they still leave me feeling awkward.

My most recent interaction was a cashier at a drug store:

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

“Aww! What’s his name?”


“He has beautiful eyes. How old is he?”

“8 months”

Is he your first?”


“Yes” (As in yes, he’s my first 8 month old)

At least the conversation ended there. In the grocery recently, I had two women tell me I needed to hurry up and give him a sibling. Even if I do talk about my daughters, people still insist I need to keep trying for more kids.

I’d like to think that it’s because my son is so adorable that they just want to see more like him in the world. But really I’m left dumbfounded as to how to respond.

And yet I know I’m not the only one who has these kinds of interactions on a daily basis. While situations may be different, the awkward feelings edged with grief, regret, or shame still feel the same. And while I will continue to emphasize how necessary it is to stop asking these questions, in the meantime, I’ve learned a process to get through it.

Photo by Tim Gouw on Pexels.com

Be Kind, But Don’t Rewind

  1. Be Kind. Always assume the motivations and intentions of the speaker are good, even if the words come across uneducated or lacking compassion. Even though there is so much more information on how to interact with one who is grieving, a lot of people still haven’t accessed that information yet. Keeping this in mind helps me to be kind with my response. And I will either calmly explain my reality or patiently move the conversation to a different topic or end it altogether.
  2. Don’t Rewind.  Leave the conversation right where it is. Don’t let the person’s comments or judgments carry into your day. This is so much easier said than done, I know. People’s words hold so much weight, especially when we are already feeling so much. But letting go isn’t giving in to the other person, but instead, it’s prioritizing your own health. It’s not selfish to continue doing what is best for yourself and your own journey. The Bible is full of people who faced the judgment of those around them, yet continued to prioritize the path God set out for them.

Of course, for me, it all comes back to God. The voices in this world are loud and opinionated. But the reality is that none of us have it all figured out. We don’t understand everything that happens, and we don’t have the answers to everything. But God sees the bigger picture. God has plans that are greater than anything we ever imagined. And when I’m feeling discouraged or words and questions sting, it is God’s truth that I don’t mind playing over and over again.

Comforting: Finding Purpose

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”  – John 9:1-5

When bad things happen, a very common question is “why”.  Whether it’s in search of a scientific answer or a spiritual one, we want an answer.  An answer that can hopefully avoid any further suffering or horrible outcome.  And something that can make us feel better in the meantime.

In Jesus’s time, a lot of people thought suffering was a direct consequence of sin.  In John 9, his disciples reveal this line of thinking when they approached a man who had been born blind.  Who sinned?  His parents or would it be something the man did in his lifetime?

But Jesus flips that script.  Instead, he responds, this happened that the “works of God might be displayed in him.”  And then he heals the man.  It turns out the wrong question was being asked.

Instead of why it should be “what must I do?”  Not what must I do so I don’t suffer, but what must I do in the midst of suffering.  Just like when a job is handed to you or a new life stage, any major event good or bad, I believe as a Christian that it is my responsibility to respond with “What would you have me do with this?”  It’s when I ask that question and seek out the answer with open eyes and heart that I get to see God work through the suffering to reach others.

That man woke up that day not knowing the miracle that he would get to experience.  We don’t know what is in store for us in this life.  But good or bad, I know that God can give purpose to it all.

Comforting: Seeing the Bigger Picture

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”  – Job 42:3

Job had lost everything.  His money, children, reputation, even his marriage was rocky.  And his friends that came to encourage him ended up heaping more coals on the fire by blaming him for all of his misfortune.  Job continuously cries out to God, but only hears the accusations of his friends.

Until the end of the book.  God shows up and speaks to Job.  He reminds Job just who He is and what he has done and can do.  Job realizes that he can’t see the bigger picture, but God can.  And God is working continuously for good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).  All He asks is that we trust.

It’s comforting to know that the Creator of the universe loves me and wants the best for me.  That He is at the helm, in the ultimate control, and He can see the horizons much better than I can.  He is painting with each stroke, knowing that it will end up His greatest masterpiece.

Comforting: Won’t Be Forsaken

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  – Deuteronomy 31:8

It was the end of Moses’s life and the end of his time as the leader of Israel.  After he gave a little pep talk to the people, he called Joshua, his successor, in for a private meeting where he uttered the above words.  Joshua was going to lead the people of Israel into the promised land, fight battles, lose battles, see the people fall away and turn back to God.  And through it all, Moses says, God will never leave him.

God is always with us.  I think it is a good practice to look for God no matter what my life circumstances may be.  It’s easier after a win to believe God is with you, but I think it’s just as important to see him during the losses as well.

After my first daughter passed away, I prayed that God would make his presence obvious to me.  And he did.  In the many messages that I received from friends and family, from the nurses and doctors who showed me complete compassion to simple things like a sunrise.  To know that the almighty, powerful God would stoop down to comfort me was a miraculous blessing.  I knew that no matter what happened, I could curl up in the arms of my Heavenly Father and cry out to him.

Through both the good times and the bad, God is there.  And in that, I take great comfort.

Comforting: Fulfilled Promises

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! – Luke 1: 45

This verse is my lock screen on my phone.  It has been my lock screen for over a year, between my last pregnancy and the one before.

Mary had come to visit Elizabeth after an angel told her that she would be pregnant with Jesus, and also that Elizabeth was pregnant too.  Elizabeth had been in seclusion after finding out her own pregnancy and when Mary showed up, Elizabeth’s baby (John the Baptist) leaped in her womb.

Of course, I was drawn to this verse because it involves two pregnant women, something I longed for myself.  But this verse stuck with me because even in my loss, my wonderings if I would ever carry a healthy baby to full term or raise children in my home, it was imperative for my soul and my anxiety to remember that God was fulfilling promises to me every day.

Promises that he will not leave me in my times of distress.  Promises that there is a bigger picture than what I see in front of me.  Promises that He will give me purpose in my pain.

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  In the next few weeks, I will be sharing some thoughts on these promises and verses that have helped me in the storm.